Saturday, December 17, 2011

I Thought I Feared Death

When I thought it was death that I was afraid of, I wouldn't talk about it and I didn't want to hear about it and I didn't want to think about it.

I was talking to my mom one day on the phone, and she brought up funeral plans for her and my dad for the future. I told her I really don't want to talk about it, not right now anyway, I told her to talk to my older sister about it. She said she needs to tell all four of us kids so each of us know their plans. As I listened I started crying, I couldn't bare the thought of losing my mom or my dad.

"You're a Christian, you have nothing to be afraid of." I have heard this so many times in my life...and I know it's true. Then I'd feel bad that even though I am a Christian and I know when I do die that I'm going to heaven, that I still had this fear inside.

So I started a long, hard conversation with myself about it, I prayed about it, I talked to other's about this and then it hit me. I am not afraid of death or dying, not for myself any way. I fear the loss of my loved ones...of missing them so much and never being able to see them, touch them, hug them, talk to them, or hear their voice again. That's my fear, that's the pain inside that makes me worry and even makes me cry as I sit here writing this. And when I die, I don't want my loved ones to be sad or hurt or to miss me so much that it makes them suffer.

But that is a part of life on this earth, we die, our loved ones die, and even though if they are saved and in heaven, we still miss them.

The fear is gone, but I still don't ever want to miss anyone like that or anyone else to hurt like that in their life over my death one day.

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