Monday, October 17, 2011

I Want My Life Back!!!

Although I am not agoraphobic any more, I can leave my home, I still have trouble forcing myself to drive to the store and to go into the store.
I know it's because I don't practice it like I should. Practice always makes progress and since I don't have a car at this time in my life it's hard for me to practice like I should or want.
I could drive my daughter's car, and I have, I just don't trust her car and I fear I will get stuck some where because the car isn't that reliable.
Am I just making up excuses, I ask myself. I mean I know the car isn't that reliable and has broke down, but that doesn't mean it will again. So maybe to a point I'm just chickening out and giving myself an excuse not to get in the car, drive to the store and go into the store to buy what we need at home.
To be totally honest, that is it, I'm still not really facing my anxiety and I'm not helping myself like I should be.
I want my life back, I want to get in the car like it's next to natural again to me and go shopping, I want to go to the mall again or to Target again, with out the needing to practice, with out all this stupid fear. I know there isn't anything to be afraid of so I don't know why I allow this or how to stop allowing this to take over me and my life!
I will just have to keep on practicing till I get use to it and not allow it to shake me up like it does.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Cry For A Moment But Then Smile And Laugh For True Healing

Things are better today, and for the past couple of days actually. I did cry, I couldn't stop the flow of tears as my heart felt as if it was mourning the death of a loved one. Although I am thankful that it wasn't their death, just an end to what I believed was a great relationship. For at least two full days my heart felt like it was being broke or more like shattered.

Then I woke up early, took a shower, and decided right then and there in the shower that I was done mourning, I am a strong woman, I can handle just about anything, even this. This is how I talk to myself, in my mind. I curled my hair, put my makeup on and put my jewelry on and dressed as nice as I could with what I have and changed my attitude.

I no longer am sad, or heart broken, I have joy in my heart again. Reading the Bible helps a lot. I called my mom and had a great chat with her and she was a positive influence which was a big help.

Life goes on and stops for no one so we might as well go on as well. It's ok and even good to take a moment to grieve, to cry, but then find some how to laugh again and keep laughing and smiling, it really helps the healing process.