Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Torn Heart

My heart feels ripped, my brain feels foggy. I'm beside myself, and I can't hardly even think clearly right at this very second. I am hurt, not angry, I am sad, not bitter. I have given and given, not only of every aspect of my life, myself, my person, my heart, (which I feel drained from), but of my time, my love and every cent I had, to find that it really doesn't mean much to some people that you thought you meant the world to and they still mean the world to you. I literally feel crushed, and I can't even cry, not yet anyway. But that will come in time, which is healing I believe. It just has to totally sink in before I can give time for crying and healing. That's how I work anyway.

I'm praying to be able to see their side, because I don't want to be bull headed in anyway at all. If God can show me, then yea, I trust Him totally. But right now I can barely see their side and I see my side very clearly. Which we usually do when something goes against us or we think it's personally against us.

This is probably making no sense to anyone but me but that's fine, I guess. And anyone out there reading this, sorry if sometimes I write in ways that only I know what I'm talking about. I don't mean for anyone to be confused or left hanging etc. Sometimes I just have to write and certain things I just can't say or write in full at the time that I'm writing.

I am confused and I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I will figure it out, with God's help, eventually, and I have time right now to do some figuring out and not be hasty. I just sometimes wish I could go back, make better decisions and smarter moves, but that's not possible, I just have to go on from this second forth and be smarter, or wiser with my heart and my mind and my money. Which I will do, and I wont allow myself to be used again, ever!

I'm not judging anyone, God knows I am not in a position to ever do that, I've made many mistakes and tons of wrong choices, tons! and I am no judge nor want to stand as judge to anyone, not ever! And there were signs, there always are, it's our choice to acknowledge them or ignore them, I guess I have no one but myself to blame because now looking back I chose to ignore them. But it still doesn't take the pain away just because you can see where you went wrong and unintentionally allowed someone to basically trample you and use and abuse you or the love you have anyway.

I guess this is a part of growing up, damn, 51 and still need to do some growing up! Wow, right now I feel very immature! And a little embarrassed, that I can be really ignorant, I really thought by this age, and all the crap I've been through, and most by my own fault, that I'd be wise or at least wiser and not have another major set back.

I don't want to be taken for granite again and I do not ever want to take someone for granite either, I hope I don't and I hope if I have that they are not hurt and that if I have that they can forgive me. And I will move on and close this chapter of my life and go to the next chapter, and it starts out with forgiveness. I want this chapter not to be tarnished with unforgiveness, a new, clean page.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Takin a break

I have been so busy writing for my work that I haven't had time to write for pleasure, for me, and I miss that, so although I'm suppose to be writing 2 articles right now, I'm taking a little break and writing in my blog, then I'm going to write some in my book.

It's kind of like when you just want to go into the bathroom, light some candles, dim the lights and soak in a warm bubble bath with a pleasant scent, like lavender. It's so relaxing and calming, that's why the french are so famous for bathing more than showering.

Anyway, that's how I feel about writing for pleasure, it's relaxing, calming and refreshing to my being.

There's so much going on, I feel somewhat overwhelmed today. I am trying to write, babysit, home school my son, all the while working my arse off getting basically nowhere. At least that's how it feels. In a house that's too warm, but thank God it is cooling off a bit here in the desert. I don't want to run the a/c, it's just too expensive.

My daughter and I have made a plan, now waiting for it to unfold is making me antsy, I just want to get on with the plan and my life! We need to move back to Mesa and I'm putting my son back into school, the brick and mortar type, this home schooling is just not for me after all. And he's so bored and wants to go back to that type of school again too. I'll miss him, but we could both benefit from this, he needs to be with some friends, not with mom 24/7.

Well for now that's about all I can write, I'm on a deadline and in order for that to work my break is but for a minute.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Seriously... thought I was going to die!

I did the gluten free life change (I just can't call it a diet)for 7 days straight, perfectly, and it was great, so easy to stick to. I could eat cucumbers, something I can not eat without it hurting my stomach so bad I have to lie down till the pain finally leaves. I was, am, amazed that gluten is the cause of me not being able to eat certain vegtables.

Well yesterday was day 8, and I thought, every 8th day I'll take the day off and give myself a treat. I had a small portion of noodles and later a very small slice of pizza, crust and all. Within an hour of eating gluten, my heart started racing, it got up to 142 beats a minute. I was in so much pain in my stomach I almost cried.

I had a splitting headache and my brain was fuzzy feeling. I could not believe this was happening. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack and die. My chest and back were hurting like never before and my left arm started going numb. I was scared.

I swelled in my face, in my hands and my ankels, I was a mess! And the gas it caused, unbelievable!

It took over 12 hours to get over this mess, and this morning, although I'm better, I still feel a little sick to my stomach. But all the swelling's gone down and my pulse is back to normal, thank God!

That was no treat, it was hell! And there will never be a cheat day for me again! It ruined my whole day, so not worth it!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I was reading about gluten and why so many people have a problem with it, whether they know that they do or not. I was doing this because my niece is on a gluten free diet to help her immune system. I was pretty amazed, the author of the article I was reading said that the wheat we eat today is not the same as the wheat that our ancestor's ate, it's got some kind of booster to it with this new way of growing it, which makes it boost our waist lines as well.

Well for 5 days I've been doing it, not touching anything with gluten in it. It's amazing! I don't have a scale so I can't weigh myself but I can tell by the way my close fit I am losing weight and I have not done anything different except not touch gluten. This is so exciting to me. And the greatest part is that I don't feel bloated and swollen, which I always feel, I hold water worse than anyone I know and I hate it! My ankles swell all the time but they are getting better.

Also the article said it's possible to lose 11 pounds in a week and for sure 35lbs. in a month by doing a gluten free diet. I am stoked! And I am going to keep doing this, it's the easiest thing I've ever done and I've done so many diet in the past, but this isn't really even a diet. I can have a steak and potato with sour cream and butter, so what if I can't eat bread, I can have king crab, my favorite food ever!

Well if anyone is interested I found a simple website that is informative for what does and does not contain gluten.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Empathy / Sympathy

I always thought I was cursed by the empathy I feel for certain others, and the sympathy I feel for them. But no, it's not a curse, it's a God given feeling I think, so that I can be compassionate and even forgiving towards them. So that I can even pray for them, and for their salvation. But it doesn't mean I have to let them in and allow them to use me, hurt me, or even to sit down and have a cup of tea with them.

Talking about my ex's here, in case anyone was wondering, just to clear the air. :)

I do not love them like before, I love them like I do any stranger that needs Christ. I have no other feeling towards them and I don't care about them other than their souls, and what it means to God Himself.

And that is the biggest relief of all, they and I are no longer anything other than parents to our kids, but we are nothing together anymore and I feel relieved! I wish they were better dads to our kids but all I can do is pray about it. I do not need to do anything but pray and that is all I will do.

Friday, September 2, 2011

My Niece

Below is what my niece wrote...She is in desperate need....PLEASE help her through prayer and donations. Those that have, THANK YOU!

Okay so yesterday I got the results back from my Endocronologist and they aren't that nice:(
It turns out that my blood work came back kinda scary for someone my age! I'm at a high risk for a heart attack/stroke because my body is not functioning like it should and my immune sytem is shot so my white blood cells are not working properly! I guess my growth hormone is not working either and I might have something on my pituitary gland! Anyways it's a whole lot to explaine! He would like to put me on a immune regiment for 8 weeks which would pretty much mean I'd live in a bubble lol He wants to build my immune system back up and get me as healthy as possible and he would have to treat jonathan as well because I'm at such a high risk and get sick all the time! Everyone gets sick and fight off some sort of virus and we come in contact daily with them but my body doesn't work and I end up catching EVERYTHING! so yeah my insurance of corse only covers a part of it so I need to find an $1800.00 money tree lol! so if you would all keep me in your prayers that would be great!!!! I know God is my one true healer and I trust him completly;)