Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Memories of Falling Leaves and Iced Over Sidewalks

Our street here in Gilbert, AZ is lined with trees that loose their leaves this time of year. When I walk out front I can smell the leaves and it takes me back in time to when I was a young child living in Ohio. I love that smell. I remember my dad raking them up into a huge pile and then my siblings and I and our neighborhood friends jumping into them. It was a lot of fun.

As long as I can remember living in AZ since I was twelve years old, I don't recall ever smelling the leaves like today. I think that's why I love this street, this town, this neighborhood. It kind of reminds me of the little town in Ohio that I grew up in, Fairborn.

I remember the sidewalks in the winter being iced over, we would skate across the ice in our normal shoes, we didn't have skates and we didn't need them. It was so much fun that you didn't even feel the cold. I love those childhood memories.

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Rough Road

I thank God that we are going through this rough time in our lives, He knows what we're going through and I trust Him completely to see us through. It can only make us stronger I believe. And in the mean time, as we walk through this rough road, holding God's hand, we are more content than we ever thought possible. And when this hard time is better or over, we will be able to look back and really see what we've learned.

It's been a little over a year now since moving here. I kept waiting for things to get better, and with every step that got better it seemed that we slipped back a few more steps in the wrong direction. Just like that saying, or that song, One step forward and two steps back...only our two steps back seemed like ten steps back!

I can honestly say through it all I really am able to rely more on God, I'm not as scared about certain things that I use to be afraid of. We've been hungry, gone without electricity, gone without water and gas. We have never been hurt though, physically or in any other way.

We have seen the love of family and friends. Some of these things we've gone without were just for a short time, then God would bless us by giving us more work which is money, and we'd be able to have our electricity, water, phone, internet, and gas turned back on. We also may have been hungry, but I know it's because we didn't like what was available to eat, but there was always food for us.
Just not always what we wanted, and that's really a good thing, it teaches us not to be so picky or spoiled.

I thank and praise God for all the hard times and the good times!


I love the cold weather we're having...makes it feel more like Christmas. It's been rainy and cold!

We can't afford a Christmas tree this year, and at first I was sad about it because of my son, who is now twelve as of a week ago. But he, Bo, my son, said that it's OK I'm going to make a tree for us.

Sure enough he did and he did an amazing job...the prettiest tree I've ever seen! He took about six feet of paper that we have on a huge roll, drew a Christmas tree, colored it, then put glitter glue on it for lights, which worked great, then he glued on miniature ornaments that I've saved through the years. We hung it on the wall, it's about five and a half feet tall and it's beautiful!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I Thought I Feared Death

When I thought it was death that I was afraid of, I wouldn't talk about it and I didn't want to hear about it and I didn't want to think about it.

I was talking to my mom one day on the phone, and she brought up funeral plans for her and my dad for the future. I told her I really don't want to talk about it, not right now anyway, I told her to talk to my older sister about it. She said she needs to tell all four of us kids so each of us know their plans. As I listened I started crying, I couldn't bare the thought of losing my mom or my dad.

"You're a Christian, you have nothing to be afraid of." I have heard this so many times in my life...and I know it's true. Then I'd feel bad that even though I am a Christian and I know when I do die that I'm going to heaven, that I still had this fear inside.

So I started a long, hard conversation with myself about it, I prayed about it, I talked to other's about this and then it hit me. I am not afraid of death or dying, not for myself any way. I fear the loss of my loved ones...of missing them so much and never being able to see them, touch them, hug them, talk to them, or hear their voice again. That's my fear, that's the pain inside that makes me worry and even makes me cry as I sit here writing this. And when I die, I don't want my loved ones to be sad or hurt or to miss me so much that it makes them suffer.

But that is a part of life on this earth, we die, our loved ones die, and even though if they are saved and in heaven, we still miss them.

The fear is gone, but I still don't ever want to miss anyone like that or anyone else to hurt like that in their life over my death one day.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I Want My Life Back!!!

Although I am not agoraphobic any more, I can leave my home, I still have trouble forcing myself to drive to the store and to go into the store.
I know it's because I don't practice it like I should. Practice always makes progress and since I don't have a car at this time in my life it's hard for me to practice like I should or want.
I could drive my daughter's car, and I have, I just don't trust her car and I fear I will get stuck some where because the car isn't that reliable.
Am I just making up excuses, I ask myself. I mean I know the car isn't that reliable and has broke down, but that doesn't mean it will again. So maybe to a point I'm just chickening out and giving myself an excuse not to get in the car, drive to the store and go into the store to buy what we need at home.
To be totally honest, that is it, I'm still not really facing my anxiety and I'm not helping myself like I should be.
I want my life back, I want to get in the car like it's next to natural again to me and go shopping, I want to go to the mall again or to Target again, with out the needing to practice, with out all this stupid fear. I know there isn't anything to be afraid of so I don't know why I allow this or how to stop allowing this to take over me and my life!
I will just have to keep on practicing till I get use to it and not allow it to shake me up like it does.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Cry For A Moment But Then Smile And Laugh For True Healing

Things are better today, and for the past couple of days actually. I did cry, I couldn't stop the flow of tears as my heart felt as if it was mourning the death of a loved one. Although I am thankful that it wasn't their death, just an end to what I believed was a great relationship. For at least two full days my heart felt like it was being broke or more like shattered.

Then I woke up early, took a shower, and decided right then and there in the shower that I was done mourning, I am a strong woman, I can handle just about anything, even this. This is how I talk to myself, in my mind. I curled my hair, put my makeup on and put my jewelry on and dressed as nice as I could with what I have and changed my attitude.

I no longer am sad, or heart broken, I have joy in my heart again. Reading the Bible helps a lot. I called my mom and had a great chat with her and she was a positive influence which was a big help.

Life goes on and stops for no one so we might as well go on as well. It's ok and even good to take a moment to grieve, to cry, but then find some how to laugh again and keep laughing and smiling, it really helps the healing process.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Torn Heart

My heart feels ripped, my brain feels foggy. I'm beside myself, and I can't hardly even think clearly right at this very second. I am hurt, not angry, I am sad, not bitter. I have given and given, not only of every aspect of my life, myself, my person, my heart, (which I feel drained from), but of my time, my love and every cent I had, to find that it really doesn't mean much to some people that you thought you meant the world to and they still mean the world to you. I literally feel crushed, and I can't even cry, not yet anyway. But that will come in time, which is healing I believe. It just has to totally sink in before I can give time for crying and healing. That's how I work anyway.

I'm praying to be able to see their side, because I don't want to be bull headed in anyway at all. If God can show me, then yea, I trust Him totally. But right now I can barely see their side and I see my side very clearly. Which we usually do when something goes against us or we think it's personally against us.

This is probably making no sense to anyone but me but that's fine, I guess. And anyone out there reading this, sorry if sometimes I write in ways that only I know what I'm talking about. I don't mean for anyone to be confused or left hanging etc. Sometimes I just have to write and certain things I just can't say or write in full at the time that I'm writing.

I am confused and I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I will figure it out, with God's help, eventually, and I have time right now to do some figuring out and not be hasty. I just sometimes wish I could go back, make better decisions and smarter moves, but that's not possible, I just have to go on from this second forth and be smarter, or wiser with my heart and my mind and my money. Which I will do, and I wont allow myself to be used again, ever!

I'm not judging anyone, God knows I am not in a position to ever do that, I've made many mistakes and tons of wrong choices, tons! and I am no judge nor want to stand as judge to anyone, not ever! And there were signs, there always are, it's our choice to acknowledge them or ignore them, I guess I have no one but myself to blame because now looking back I chose to ignore them. But it still doesn't take the pain away just because you can see where you went wrong and unintentionally allowed someone to basically trample you and use and abuse you or the love you have anyway.

I guess this is a part of growing up, damn, 51 and still need to do some growing up! Wow, right now I feel very immature! And a little embarrassed, that I can be really ignorant, I really thought by this age, and all the crap I've been through, and most by my own fault, that I'd be wise or at least wiser and not have another major set back.

I don't want to be taken for granite again and I do not ever want to take someone for granite either, I hope I don't and I hope if I have that they are not hurt and that if I have that they can forgive me. And I will move on and close this chapter of my life and go to the next chapter, and it starts out with forgiveness. I want this chapter not to be tarnished with unforgiveness, a new, clean page.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Takin a break

I have been so busy writing for my work that I haven't had time to write for pleasure, for me, and I miss that, so although I'm suppose to be writing 2 articles right now, I'm taking a little break and writing in my blog, then I'm going to write some in my book.

It's kind of like when you just want to go into the bathroom, light some candles, dim the lights and soak in a warm bubble bath with a pleasant scent, like lavender. It's so relaxing and calming, that's why the french are so famous for bathing more than showering.

Anyway, that's how I feel about writing for pleasure, it's relaxing, calming and refreshing to my being.

There's so much going on, I feel somewhat overwhelmed today. I am trying to write, babysit, home school my son, all the while working my arse off getting basically nowhere. At least that's how it feels. In a house that's too warm, but thank God it is cooling off a bit here in the desert. I don't want to run the a/c, it's just too expensive.

My daughter and I have made a plan, now waiting for it to unfold is making me antsy, I just want to get on with the plan and my life! We need to move back to Mesa and I'm putting my son back into school, the brick and mortar type, this home schooling is just not for me after all. And he's so bored and wants to go back to that type of school again too. I'll miss him, but we could both benefit from this, he needs to be with some friends, not with mom 24/7.

Well for now that's about all I can write, I'm on a deadline and in order for that to work my break is but for a minute.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Seriously... thought I was going to die!

I did the gluten free life change (I just can't call it a diet)for 7 days straight, perfectly, and it was great, so easy to stick to. I could eat cucumbers, something I can not eat without it hurting my stomach so bad I have to lie down till the pain finally leaves. I was, am, amazed that gluten is the cause of me not being able to eat certain vegtables.

Well yesterday was day 8, and I thought, every 8th day I'll take the day off and give myself a treat. I had a small portion of noodles and later a very small slice of pizza, crust and all. Within an hour of eating gluten, my heart started racing, it got up to 142 beats a minute. I was in so much pain in my stomach I almost cried.

I had a splitting headache and my brain was fuzzy feeling. I could not believe this was happening. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack and die. My chest and back were hurting like never before and my left arm started going numb. I was scared.

I swelled in my face, in my hands and my ankels, I was a mess! And the gas it caused, unbelievable!

It took over 12 hours to get over this mess, and this morning, although I'm better, I still feel a little sick to my stomach. But all the swelling's gone down and my pulse is back to normal, thank God!

That was no treat, it was hell! And there will never be a cheat day for me again! It ruined my whole day, so not worth it!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I was reading about gluten and why so many people have a problem with it, whether they know that they do or not. I was doing this because my niece is on a gluten free diet to help her immune system. I was pretty amazed, the author of the article I was reading said that the wheat we eat today is not the same as the wheat that our ancestor's ate, it's got some kind of booster to it with this new way of growing it, which makes it boost our waist lines as well.

Well for 5 days I've been doing it, not touching anything with gluten in it. It's amazing! I don't have a scale so I can't weigh myself but I can tell by the way my close fit I am losing weight and I have not done anything different except not touch gluten. This is so exciting to me. And the greatest part is that I don't feel bloated and swollen, which I always feel, I hold water worse than anyone I know and I hate it! My ankles swell all the time but they are getting better.

Also the article said it's possible to lose 11 pounds in a week and for sure 35lbs. in a month by doing a gluten free diet. I am stoked! And I am going to keep doing this, it's the easiest thing I've ever done and I've done so many diet in the past, but this isn't really even a diet. I can have a steak and potato with sour cream and butter, so what if I can't eat bread, I can have king crab, my favorite food ever!

Well if anyone is interested I found a simple website that is informative for what does and does not contain gluten.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Empathy / Sympathy

I always thought I was cursed by the empathy I feel for certain others, and the sympathy I feel for them. But no, it's not a curse, it's a God given feeling I think, so that I can be compassionate and even forgiving towards them. So that I can even pray for them, and for their salvation. But it doesn't mean I have to let them in and allow them to use me, hurt me, or even to sit down and have a cup of tea with them.

Talking about my ex's here, in case anyone was wondering, just to clear the air. :)

I do not love them like before, I love them like I do any stranger that needs Christ. I have no other feeling towards them and I don't care about them other than their souls, and what it means to God Himself.

And that is the biggest relief of all, they and I are no longer anything other than parents to our kids, but we are nothing together anymore and I feel relieved! I wish they were better dads to our kids but all I can do is pray about it. I do not need to do anything but pray and that is all I will do.

Friday, September 2, 2011

My Niece

Below is what my niece wrote...She is in desperate need....PLEASE help her through prayer and donations. Those that have, THANK YOU!

Okay so yesterday I got the results back from my Endocronologist and they aren't that nice:(
It turns out that my blood work came back kinda scary for someone my age! I'm at a high risk for a heart attack/stroke because my body is not functioning like it should and my immune sytem is shot so my white blood cells are not working properly! I guess my growth hormone is not working either and I might have something on my pituitary gland! Anyways it's a whole lot to explaine! He would like to put me on a immune regiment for 8 weeks which would pretty much mean I'd live in a bubble lol He wants to build my immune system back up and get me as healthy as possible and he would have to treat jonathan as well because I'm at such a high risk and get sick all the time! Everyone gets sick and fight off some sort of virus and we come in contact daily with them but my body doesn't work and I end up catching EVERYTHING! so yeah my insurance of corse only covers a part of it so I need to find an $1800.00 money tree lol! so if you would all keep me in your prayers that would be great!!!! I know God is my one true healer and I trust him completly;)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

CROQUE MONSIEUR...I've always wanted to know how to make this!

This is in one of my favorite movies: IT'S COMPLICATED.... and yea I found the recipe finally! If anyone else is interested, here it is.


Croque Monsieur ("Crunch Mister") and Croque Madame ("Crunch Missis") traditional snacks in France.

Croque Monsieur is made of sandwich bread, ham and cheese.

Butter a slice of sandwich bread,
add a slice of ham then a slice of semi-soft cheese and finally cover with another slice of sandwich bread. Put in oven for 10 minutes and serve right away (the bread will toast and the cheese will melt).

For a croque-madame, just add an egg on the bread.

I'm going to try it this coming weekend.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Equality, The Way Of Life As A Christian

2 Corinthians 8:14-15

14 But by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality:

15 As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.
(King James Version)

14 at this present time your abundance being a supply for their need, so that their abundance also may become a supply for your need, that there may be equality; 15 as it is written, “HE WHO gathered MUCH DID NOT HAVE TOO MUCH, AND HE WHO gathered LITTLE HAD NO LACK.”
(New American Standard Bible)

14 At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. The goal is equality, 15 as it is written: “The one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little.”
(Today's New International Version)

Equality, The Way Of Life As A Christian......
As far as I can see, there are a lot of wealthy preachers, and I know the bible says he can make a living from preaching the gospel...but are the wealthy ones or even the ones that are not just well off but in abundance, helping the ones that are truly lacking, if so awesome. But if not, well then that's so wrong and sad, there are so many hurting people out there today that it's mind boggling and painful to hear about and to see, right in our own backyards!

So I am going to start a charity called: [In Our Own Backyards Charity]

I realize there are many charities out there and I support them, but I'm starting one to help those in my own backyard, the ones I see in desperate need myself. The ones that aren't getting help from the other charities I support. I have to do for them, because I know first hand the struggles of life's pressures and feeling like there is no hope, no one there to help. From having no food to feed my children, having no way to pay my electric bill, gas and water bill, (and the programs that are there to help, did not help me) to wearing literal rags for clothing.

I thank God that I got to suffer like I did, although at the time it was painful, but now it makes me desperate to help others in the same situation I was in. When we needed food, the food banks didn't have much and what they did have, well most of it was rotten or close to rotting. I want to make the world we live in a better place, starting in our own backyards. No one and especially, single moms, children, the elderly, the ill, should have to suffer when we that have an abundance can help.

World English Dictionary
charity (ˈtʃærɪtɪ)

— n , pl -ties
1. a. the giving of help, money, food, etc, to those in need
b. ( as modifier ): a charity show
2. a. an institution or organization set up to provide help, money, etc, to those in need
b. ( as modifier ): charity funds
3. the help, money, etc, given to the needy; alms
4. a kindly and lenient attitude towards people
5. love of one's fellow men

Saturday, August 27, 2011

51 years old, thought by now I'd have it all figured out

It's been an overwhelming past few days, to the point that I really wanted to write, but would not allow myself to, because of what I knew I'd write, which would not have been good because of who it would affect. Sometimes I just have to hold my tongue, or my fingers in this case.

After much prayer and lots of thinking and meditating on all that's happened, I am feeling a lot better and less overwhelmed. But still I feel a little disturbed about a few things and with a few people in my life. Actually I'm sad about someone so dear to me that my heart breaks. Can't mention names though, not now anyway. And Karen, if you're reading this, it's not you I'm talking about, I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now. You are awesome and I praise God for you!

I'm not trying to be mysterious or leaving anyone guessing or hanging or anything like that, I just have to write for my own sanity and at the same time I have to watch what I write about right now. Believe it or now, writing is really a big stress reliever it's so magical in the way it helps me to heal, that's why I do it. As I sigh, a huge relief just came over me, just to sit here and type away, even if this time it is really not doing anyone else any good, it is doing me some good.

I'm 51 years old, I would have thought by now I'd have it all figured out and that I'd be in a good place in my life. But I don't have it all figured out and I struggle a lot, in a lot of different areas in my life. It's wearing me down, I'm tired, but I will rest, then get up and charge full force ahead and try to make a dent in this life. I have no choice if I want to raise a good, healthy little boy, who deserves the best, but right now he is getting ripped off more than he should be. I pray his dad will straighten up and be the dad this son of ours needs, or that God will bring him a great step-dad. Although I really do not want to be married again, not right now. Playing or doing wifey again just wears me out to think about it! But maybe God will change my mind and my heart and give me the desire to do it yet again. Hopefully this time it wont end in abuse or divorce, don't think I could go through all that again, not even for a split second.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Life...getting a little easier

It's funny how things can be going bad for so long that when more things keep going wrong you can almost get use to it. But thank God that's not happening in our case now, things are finally getting better for us, for the most part anyway. Karen, my daughter, loves her job, and her first pay check blew us away, we sure weren't expecting it to be as much as it was. That was a great blessing. She works the graveyard shift so that's kind of hard on her, especially because she doesn't get to see her kids very much. They are staying in Mesa, with their dad and going to school there, but we get them on the weekends. Well except for her two year old, I watch him most of the time but his dad takes him over night a couple times a week.

We love living in Gilbert, but we think going back to Mesa, might be the best thing for everyone, she'll get to be with her older three kids a lot more. It's bitter sweet for me, I love Gilbert and I really don't like most of Mesa, anymore. Plus the area where we would have to live, in order to be by her kids doesn't have a lot of places available right now. What to do, what to do....

I'm doing online school for my son, Bo, who is almost twelve now and in sixth grade, so that wouldn't be a problem if we moved. I love this k-12 Arizona Virtual Academy, so does Bo. I like him being schooled at home, he begged for me to do it and I wasn't sure I really wanted to at first, but it's going well. I home schooled a few years back but it wasn't going as smooth as it is this time.

Now that we all have our own money coming in and no one has to support the other, life is so much easier on all of us. Now if I can make the kind of money I use to make, life will even be a little sweeter. But for this moment I'm just thankful to make the bills.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

life today is good

It's been a good week, my daughter, Karen, has all four of her kids here, and I haven't seen them in four days, that's a very long time when I'm use to them being here 24/7. I got to watch, my son, Keith's daughter yesterday and to see his other daughter, which was a nice treat. Then my other son, Keny, came over and brought his three kids today, a true treat as well. Then of course I have my 11 year old here all the time, no break with that, which I'm fine with. I just would like his dad to step up and do his part in raising him, but I sure can't see that happening anytime soon, if ever. Bo, my young son, is also thrilled that all my grand kids, his nieces and nephews are here, he misses them so much when they're gone. They are more like his siblings, since his siblings are all adults.
Finances are still pretty tight, but soon we will be better than we have been in awhile, thank God! Life might be rough at times but family sure helps brighten my day. I thank God for my family and my friends, you guys are all blessings.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Just Breathe!

Finally, I can just breathe! Things are turning around, like I knew they would eventually, for the better. So now I can sit back for a second, and calm down and just breathe. Finally!

I mean, not everything is as I want, or to the point that we don't need to be concerned, but a breather has moved in, even if for a couple of days. I needed this break, we all did and finally it is here. I couldn't take another moment of the concerns that were upon me. The stress was starting to really get to me in all ways, especially physically.

I know that we are ok, and we are, we are going to be even better off in about 4 or 5 days, better as in finances, thank God! Being poverty stricken, especially when you came from a decent amount of money, really was hard, is hard, but wow, we are really seeing now that everything is going to work out, it is working out!!

I don't know what else to say other than, thank you all who have prayed for us and for our situation and thank you all that have helped us in our time of need. With prayer, food, gas for the car, money for our bills, and especially for those that gave from their own state of poverty. You will be paid back, all of you! Whether you want paid back or not. And I will always always help others out even if it means I give from what I really don't have like you have done. And you know who I'm talking about, and I love you!!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Just For A Season

It's funny, when I started this blog and decided to write what I did write, about it being a journey and it's not always fair and not always good but not always bad. I had gone through enough in life to know this.
Today it seems it is more bad for us than good. But it doesn't really matter because it's just for a season, I know this deep inside of me. I will certainly be glad when this season, of what feels like a never ending one, does finally end, and hopefully nothing drastic or more horrific happens to us during this season.
But for today I will endure and I will never give up or throw in the towel. I am not a quitter, I never have been. In fact I am a survivor and always will be. A God given strength, because I know it couldn't have come from anyone else.

It's one o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep, not from anxiety, like I used to get, I took a long nap today and it messed my schedule up. That's why I've decided to get up and write, instead of lying there trying to fall asleep. If writing doesn't help then I'm going to get a book and start reading, that usually does wonders for helping me to fall asleep.

Also just want to say thanks to anyone who has prayed for us during this season, we did get our electric back on, actually it didn't stay off too long. It never got hotter than 82 degrees which really shocked me. I know some people who keep theirs set at that or higher. Our food stayed cold and everything worked out great. So thanks for praying. And thank you my God, my savior and Lord for blessing us and taking care of us and teaching us, through all we're going through, in the name of Jesus.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

In Need Of Prayer!

Today I am trying not to freak out, trying to stay calm and focused on God, He knows what's going on and He will help us through this battle. I say this and know it but I still feel a little shaken inside.

We have no electric, we have no phone, the battery on this computer will die shortly, the food in the fridge and freezer may go bad now, it's hot in side the house now and humid, hard to breathe, outside is even worse.

I think I could better handle it if I didn't feel like a loser in front of the kids, my son and my daughter's kids. But my grand kids will be leaving shortly for the night, their dad will pick them up and take them with him since my daughter has to go to work tonight. Praise God she does! And in exactly one week from today she gets her first pay check, we couldn't be happier, just wish it were sooner though.

Anyone who prays, I ask you to please pray for us, we need it! And thank you, prayer is more important to me than ever!

I pray that no one has to go through what we are going through and I hope that those that are suffering will be able to get the help they so desperately need, sooner than later. I will continue praying for those that are suffering, my heart goes out to you!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'll Take It!

What ever it is that I'm suppose to be learning through this life experience that I'm going through today, well then, I'll take it and I'll try not to complain.
I think that what ever it is then there is a reason behind it. Maybe God wants to make me stronger, maybe He is disciplining me, what ever it is I'll take it and I will try to learn by it and to try to always remember this lesson so that maybe I'll be able to help someone else out when they're going through something like this. Being an encouragement to others is always a good thing.

Later today.... I do believe God was showing me something, and I really am stronger as a person, as a Christian, because of it. So thank You my Lord, and for seeing me through.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This Morning

This morning I woke to no electric, it scared me at first, mainly because it's so hot and humid in Arizona right now. But in the midst of my fear, my oldest grand daughter said to me not to worry, we're going to be ok. She said she can feel that things are going to get better, and soon. I smiled and looked at her and I told her, she's right, there is no need to fear, God always takes care of us and has never let us down and never will. I knew if this child could be strong then I have to be strong too, for everyone's sake in this family. I knew also I could not profess to believe in God and doubt Him, at the same time.
So I am content at the moment, we will be fine, I know it's true and I know we're at the homestretch with our situation, I can feel it!
Me, my ex-husband, our son, my daughter and her four children and my other son and his two children are all in this home, together, all eleven of us trying to make it work, and it will work. My ex finally got word that he's got work again starting tomorrow, my daughter has started and gets her first check on the twenty first of this month, I write and get money every Friday, my oldest son has a job to go back to in Flagstaff, he's down here for a visit to see his girls. We are going to be fine. And even tho it may seem a little threatening right now, our future is becoming brighter, praise God!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

True Forgiveness

I've heard it my whole life, forgive any one and everyone who's hurt you. Forgive for your own sake even if not for their sake, I've been told.
Today is the first time I can actually say I felt something that I've never felt before in forgiving someone.
I alway do forgive and I know that the bible says if we want God to forgive our sins we must forgive others that sin against us.
But it was really different for me today, I was thinking to myself and about this certain person and the hurt that this person did to me and I was sad over it, but I then I smiled and said to myself that I forgive them. And I do forgive them, but this time I felt a physical feeling of true love and kindness for this person, a true forgiveness. I really do, not just because I'm suppose to or because the bible says to. It was different, I don't want this person to ever suffer, I don't want this person to think that they even need to come to me and apologize because they don't need to. I truly want the best for them and for them to know that I love them and I have no hard feelings. I wish I could write what I felt but it's too big, I'm doing the best I can but it's not even close to what I felt, what I feel.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Well that didn't last long! I put adsense ad's on my blog...people go to my blog and if they want they click on the advertisement and I get paid. But the adsense company shut me down for invalid clicks...meaning someone clicked over and over just to try to help me get paid for advertisements. I appealed but still lost, so I guess I'll stick with Amazon. When someone goes to amazon from my blog and if they decide to buy something from them I get 15% commission. I guess if they were going to buy from Amazon anyway then it's a good thing, I don't know I guess I see how it turns out.
Thanks to all of you for visiting my blog and thanks for helping me out with the click...too bad it was shut down though, who knew? No biggie. But if you're going to buy from amazon I'd love it if you clicked on the amazon ads from my blog, it'll help me out.
Many thanks!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Stressed and overwhelmed from the present situation at hand was causing me to just want to cover up and hide in my bed. But knowing this can't help the situation but only make it worse, I chose to get up, get the laptop out and start writing away. Knowing it brings in money, just not enough to cover all that we need to live, it does help some, so I have to do it.

I took a break after hours of writing and went to get a bite to eat. My, almost two year old, grandson was being goofy and making faces and dancing. It caused me to smile, then I started dancing with him and I made funny faces with him. He and I started laughing and playing. The more we danced around the more we laughed.

For a few minutes or so I forgot my problems, I felt no stress, just joy. And then I remembered from before, when I was feeling stressed, I'd smile. Smiling really does help the body feel better. Even though it might not bring in money for the bills, it releases something that is worth more than money, good health, physically and mentally.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Blessing In Disguise

The past week being out of internet service was probably a blessing in disguise for me, I got more writing done in the book that I'm writing than I possibly could have while writing for the online company that I write for. In fact I got so much done that my book is just about ready to wrap up and send to a publisher. I just hope someone publishes it now. I think it's a great read, and not just because I wrote it either.

I think everyone has a story to tell and could write a book probably. Plus it's like therapy, writing can help you in many different ways. It clears my head, and it helps me to see where I'm going and where I came from.

But I'm thankful that it's back on now because I needed to get back to work writing articles for the online company I write for to make money. Plus I missed my facebook and other things that I use the internet for. Technology, gotta love it!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Three White Doves

When you think things are bad you just know it can't get any worse, well you know it can, but you don't think it's really going to, or at least you hope not.

Well that's how I was feeling Saturday night, then when I woke up Sunday morning I was hit with really bad news. I felt like I just got punched in the stomach, I felt shocked. I made coffee for my daughter and I, while everyone was sleeping. Then sitting at the bar in the kitchen sipping my coffee, I started crying uncontrolably. My daughter came out of her room and peaked around the corner at me, she heard me crying.

She asked almost in a scared voice what was wrong, later she said she thought maybe someone had died and that I had just gotten the news. Well no one died, thank God. That would have been worse news than what I had received so I do know things can always get worse.

I went into my bedroom and thanked God that the news wasn't worse than it was. Then I prayed to God the Father, Jesus my Lord, my Savior and also to the Holy Spirit. I was desperate, and I know God does answer prayers. I am a Christian but I know I am not always walking like I probably should be as a Christian. I wish I could be as good as someone like Billy Graham, or someone that faithful, but I'm not even close to that.

Then I went out back to get in the pool with my daughter, I saw a white, a shiny pure white dove, I told my daughter to look up, that there's a white dove, she looked up and two more were there, we were amazed, it seems rare to see even one and here there are three. I felt so much peace come over me that I really just knew that God sent three doves to show He hears my cry, my prayers, and that we are going to be ok. I know anyone can say it's just a coincedence, maybe it is but maybe it's not. I mean who really knows and who really knows how God does things, putting Him in a box and saying God doesn't do this or that or he only does this or that is foolish I think, I mean He's God, He can do anything and we are just mere human beings.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Pros Of Not Being Able To Use Your Stove Top

Not being able to cook on the stove top has it's pros, I'm learning to cook things that I have always cooked just not in an oven. I am so amazed that it's even possible to cook certain things in the oven and then they turn out so good.

Today I cooked eggs on broil and these eggs turned out better than on top of the stove. It was the best over easy egg I've ever made, and the egg white was fluffier than it usually is on top of the stove. That and bacon and toast, we had ourselves a good breakfast.

The other day we got ready to make pancakes and then realized we couldn't use the stove, no gas. So I said lets try it in the oven. My daughter said to get the baking sheet hot in the oven first then pour some batter on the sheet and we'll see what happens. This worked great, just had to make sure the oven was hot enough. We had a great oven cooked breakfast!

I guess it shouldn't be a surprise to me but it was. If you can cook it on top of the stove then you can apparently cook it in the oven as well. And probably over a fire like in the old days. We even made a pot of pinto beans for dinner and they turned out great, I've never cooked them like that before.

But the gas will be back on next week so I'm sure we'll go back to using the stove top like before because it really is more convenient than the oven. But it was good to learn more about oven cooking.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sometimes We Just Need A Little Boost

And I got the boost I needed today, thank God and thank you dear friend for helping me, I love you dearly! I want to remember this day forever, I do not want to ever judge someone for what ever they are going through, if my dear friend can be so nonjudgmental and help me in my desperation then I want to be like that too for others. It seems like that is how Jesus is, I want to be more like that in my life.

Just the perfect boost will now cause me to be able to float instead of sink, and I was sinking slowly! Like a slow death, no joke! I am able to float and soon, by next week I will start swimming! And I can't wait, I'm so excited! And all I want to shout is Praise God!!! And thank you for sending me the help I needed so badly through the perfect angel on earth! Hallelujah!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Mad At God

I was talking to a friend recently and they said they were mad at God for the way their life has turned out. I know God already knows how we feel before we speak it, so I know it's no shock to Him when someone says something like that. But it kinda scared me, even though I know myself I've felt like that in my life too at one time or another.

I started thinking about it and I know I could get angry at God for the struggles I'm going through right now. And although I really do not like this struggle and I really wish and pray God would give me a miracle to get out of this financial hardship. I just can't find anger and I am not mad at Him. It's not His fault I'm in this mess, I've made some really stupid mistakes and bad choices that have led me to where I am today. But I'm working on getting myself out of this hard place in my life, and I know God is with me and I believe He cares about what I'm going through.

I hope my friend rethinks that statement and stops blaming God but puts the blame where it really belongs. Maybe they've made some bad decisions and that's why they are struggling too. Who knows?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Part 2...Embrace the suck!

I get it now! I watched Beastly, the movie, last night, and my daughter did get that saying from that movie, and it totally made sense to me then. By the way it was a pretty good movie.

Today we are totally embracing the suck!!! Life can really suck some times and today is another one of those times.

When I got up, my daughter was already up and as I came out from my room I could see her leaning over the kitchen bar, kinda slumped over it and I asked her if she had made coffee. I was surprised she was up before me, that kinda threw me off a little.

She said I was trying to but, and then she lifted the handle of the kitchen sink faucet and no water came out. Then she pushed a pink paper over towards me. Damn, you've got to be kidding! was what I said, I can not believe they turned our water off!

I called the company and that bill is due this month, we are not even late! Some how they messed up and they still will not turn our water back on since it is off and there's a balance on it! I was so upset with the utility company that I wanted to scream.

With all of that happening, my daughter said something about her birthday, I got so embarrassed. I told her that I'm so sorry I forgot about it, only for this moment though . She just smiled and told me it's ok. So jokingly back to her I said happy birthday we have no water. But then seriously I told her I love her and really, Happy Birthday.

Now we're trying to figure out what the hell we're going to do about our water issue. Although it may suck it still isn't worse than what others are going thru....I mean at least we have electricity and all our kids are safe, we aren't as bad off as so many others which makes me have more compassion on them.

Update....Yea! Several hours later we got our water back on...Thank God!!!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Embrace The Suck!

This is what my daughter said to me with laughter this morning. She must have heard this on a movie, I'm guessing. When things are tough or troublesome she laughs, I love this about her. She's been this way all her life.

I guess I was thinking more on the lines this morning that this is the time to really give God thanks and to praise him. If we can praise him in the hard times, like I should be doing, then that's great because I already know it's easy giving him thanks in the easier times of life.

If you're use to having a cup or two of coffee in the mornings, every morning, and you don't have any that morning then the caffeine headaches can be seriously painful! So my daughter ran to Wendy's (the fast food place) and got us a cup with some change she had been saving up.

AH now I feel better, like I can think straight and deal with the issues at hand. And there are many at hand today! Nothing like a great cup of coffee if you're a serious coffee drinker. Others would say we're addicted to coffee and I won't deny that, if going without it causes a massive headache then yeah, we're pretty much addicted I guess.

So I'm embracing the suck of life right now and dealing with all that comes our way with a smile on my face!

Sunday, July 17, 2011


I went to yelp.com because I was told they have conversations started or that you can start yourself on any topic. So I started one, about how to promote my blog to get more followers. There were a lot of people who were nice and informative (thank you all that were!) But there were so many that were totally rude and mean, I couldn't believe some of the nasty remarks I got and sexual content in some of the reply's.

I am sure my face was red after reading some of the reply's and I was glad no one was in the room with me while I was reading these comments, I was so embarrassed!

But on the up scale, a lot of people went to my blog and gave me more hits on the counter and some clicked on my adsense and that put money in my pocket! So I guess some of the ones that were not so nice still came to my blog any way so thanks to you who did!

I'm still up for advise and I will keep looking for answers as to how to promote my blog, any suggestions would be very appreciated!

Friday, July 15, 2011

I Hate My Life!

Have you ever felt like that? I've got to be honest here, I really did feel like that this morning! But only for a few minutes. Then I had to remind myself that although we're going through tough times right now, we are still blessed with goodness too. And I know the good does out way the bad.

Our gas that heats our water and cooks our food and runs the heater (although it's summer and it's not needed right now) was shut off and it seriously saddened me that my young son and a few of my grand children witnessed this. I feel embarrassed about our situation and it made me cry, but not in front of the kids, I went into the bathroom. I told them as soon as I get the money I'll have it turned back on so that they don't worry about it.

I had a choice, pay the water bill or the gas bill, we can not live without water so of course I paid the water bill. I know things will turn around for us....we will not stop trying and pressing forward...we are determined to beat this struggle that happens to be upon us at the moment.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

For Anyone With Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia

I'm reposting this because some people go to my website and to my blog looking for this particular post, and then they have to go all the way to the beginning of my blog to find it, so now it's back at the top, for awhile any ways, so they don't have to go searching for it.

Also if anyone wants the website for The Midwest Center, just email me and I'll get it for you. They are the ones that helped me and millions like me get over my agoraphobia, anxiety and panic. I truly praise God for them and what they're doing.

There Is A Way Out !

The pain and mental anguish is unbearable when you have anxiety to the point of panic. Panic that you can't even explain, it feels like you're going to die, or that you're losing your mind. It's terrifying and painful!

Just imagine that you're swimming in the warm Florida ocean and you see a shark. Fear and panic would grip you. You'd swim as fast as you can to the beach to get away from that shark knowing it will probably bite your leg off if it gets close enough to you.

That is the same feeling and reaction that my body would go through, almost every day, except there is no shark, I'm not even in the ocean, I'm just at home doing normal daily life tasks when it comes on!

It can just come on day or night, while you're awake or asleep, and if you're asleep it causes you to fly out of bed. I've lived with panic for almost 10 years and it feels like no one understands or knows what I've gone through and go through.

But to my surprise there are millions of us going through this awful disorder. I've been researching and gobbling up every thing I can find that has to do with anxiety, and I'm not alone!! Thank God! It makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one suffering with this awful thing called anxiety. I was afraid that my family and family doctor were just going to give up on me, lock me up and throw away the key because they thought I was going crazy. I knew I wasn't crazy but I didn't know if I'd ever be normal again. I just wanted this fear, panic and anxiety to stop. I wanted to be independent again, to be happy, not to be afraid. Not only did I suffer but my young child suffered because of me and missed out on life because of me! My heart broke for him every day.

For the first time in 10 years I am learning why I have anxiety and what it is, what triggers it and why. And what to do or what NOT to do. I've tried several anti depressants and anti anxiety medications but they are not the cure for me, or the panic would stop for good. So I decided to wean off of the medications and find the root cause of this awful thing called panic attacks. I've seen counselors, and doctors and psychiatrist's but they didn't fix me or this disorder. (I say disorder for lack of a better word or term)

What triggers it? ME! Why? And what is it? And what do I do about it??

So What is it?

It's adrenaline coursing through your body, but since there is no real danger, (like a shark chasing you while swimming in the ocean) it feels terrifying.
It's the exact reaction you'd have if someone broke into your home and put a knife to your throat. Adrenaline would cause you to either run for your life or to stay there and fight.
Also adrenaline is what goes through you when you're excited about something, like getting on a roller coaster, you'd be excited and maybe a little scared. But you don't have a panic attack because you know why you're feeling the adrenaline at that moment.

Sometimes I can hardly believe that this has happened to me. I went from a person that could drive across the United States to not being able to walk out my front door! (agoraphobia)

Agoraphobia is the fear of having a panic attack so you don't leave your home. It's that simple. Although I didn't know that's what it was while going thru it. I just thought agoraphobia was only the fear of leaving your home.

When I first started getting these anxiety and panic attacks I wondered why sometimes I have these attacks and why not at other times. I noticed that when I got on my bike and rode through my neighborhood I felt better. I also noticed when I drank a couple of glasses of wine I felt better. Now years later I know why riding my bike or drinking a little wine helped me. I didn't think about it, the fears the what if thinking, because I was either busy doing something or chilling (relaxing).

What Causes It?

ME !

I cause my own anxiety, that leads to a panic attack! Not on purpose I might add, I didn't know I was doing this to myself and I'm glad I know the reason why I have anxiety but I really wish I wouldn't have done this to myself in the first place. It almost sounds absurd, but it's true, we cause our own anxiety.
The "what if" thinking can cause major anxiety. Like, what if someone breaks into the house while we're all in bed, what if they steal my child or kill us... that kind of thinking scares yourself and doing this many times a day and night can really stress you out and cause anxiety to the point of panic. These thoughts just pop into my head and instead of calming myself, or my mind down, I start getting obsessed with these thoughts and before I know it I'm having anxiety and can't sleep, then panic starts. It's a vicious cycle!

But now I know what to do, I start telling myself that I know what this is, it's anxiety and that it's ok to have it, it will go away, it always does. I acknowledge the anxiety, I allow myself to have it, this way I don't have the feeling that I need to run for my life. Besides, running isn't the answer because there is no real danger. Then I tell myself that I'm safe, I'm calm, I'm peaceful, I'm relaxed. It's amazing, my brain truly believes it, and it's true too, I am safe. As soon as I reassure myself I start losing the anxious feelings and panic stops in its tracks!!
If there is something I can't control or fix, like a hurricane or micro burst, or any tragedy, I've decided to reassure myself that I live by faith in Jesus Christ, I do not live by fear.
Positive mind change is soothing and it really works, it's so awesome!!


Practice..Practice..Practice! When you practice something you get very good at it. The more you practice the better you get. Practice talking positive to your self all day long, every single day. Your brain starts to believe what you're saying and you really start feeling better about YOU!

If a negative thought pops in I immediately change that thought to a positive thought.

Below is what I've learned from an excellent self help program that I paid considerable for, but although it was expensive it has helped me so much. I wish someone could have given me this information without charging for it, since I sufferd severly and had no way of affording an expensive program. So that is one reason I've decided to blog, hopefully someone that suffers like me can understand and recover from this disorder without being charged for help.

Anything worth having in life takes a considerable amount of effort. And we are worth the time and effort!

Just as it took time for you to develop your fear and anxiety, it will also take time and patience to overcome them.

Be compassionate, patient, and gentle with yourself. Stop thinking, saying, and doing things that make you feel bad, anxious, or upset with yourself.

Give yourself credit for ANY success! Praise yourself for even the smallest accomplishments.

Keep an open mind. No matter who you are or what you've been through, you CAN be helped. But you must want help. You must want to get better. You must want to take responsibility for yourself and the way you feel.

Don't overreact to your anxious feelings. Instead of fighting them, listen to them. Are you tired? Are you scaring yourself with your thoughts? Relax and let them pass... and they will.

Keep a journal. Note when you feel anxious, note when you feel good. Write down what you were doing, who you were with, what you ate, and what time of day it was. This will help you see if there is a pattern to your anxious episodes. Plus there's magic in writing, it will help you feel much better!
Give yourself a hug!

Steps For Dealing With Panic

I've learned that we who have panic attacks are creative people, we are intelligent, sensitive, perfectionist, and we are analytical. These personality traits are a gift, but one that needs to be managed. When we turn these traits inward by over-thinking and over reacting, we are setting ourselves up for trouble.
As you begin to challenge yourself as I am doing and stop fearing these symptoms, they will lose their power over you.

Nothing on the outside causes our panic. It's an inside job. We cause it ourselves.

It all starts in your mind, even on a subconscious level, with negative internal dialogue. You begin by obsessively anticipating about something in the past or future. For example, "What if I get into the car tomorrow and I get dizzy or pass out while driving, what if I need to get out and I'm in the middle of traffic? What if I can't catch my breath? What if I do or say something stupid? What if I embarrass myself? What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy?"

Frightening messages like these send signals to your brain, "It's time to respond, we're in danger here!" The adrenaline response is triggered, releasing a flood of cortisol, sodium lactate, and adrenaline into your system. And now you begin to experience physical symptoms. Your heart pounds. Your chest gets tight. You begin to breathe out of rhythm. You begin shaking. A spacey feeling of confusion clouds your head.

Now your mind turns inward out of control. Your thoughts are spinning in a cyclone of fear. "This is it. I'm in deep trouble now. What if I have a heart attack? What if I die?"

The road to a panic attack always begins with negative internal dialogue. The way out is the path of acceptance, trust, and change in perception. There are six-steps to putting an end to panic attacks I've learned and they work. You will learn to face this head on, let yourself float through it, using these steps. You will discover that when you no longer allow it to frighten you, you’ll see it can’t hurt you. There is no need to run. You are your safe place and you are your own safe person.

The Six steps for Dealing with Panicky Feelings:

1. ACCEPT IT - float don't flight
2. PERMISSION - "I know what this is, it's just anxiety, it will go away,
it always does"
3. BREATHE - inhale 4 counts through your nose, exhale 8 counts out your mouth
4. INNER DIALOGUE - positive, comforting, kind words to yourself
5. DISTRACT - action, mental and physical for at least 15-minutes
6. LET TIME PASS - this discomfort always passes

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Best Salsa I've Ever Had

I absolutely love authentic Mexican food and a woman that I use to go to church with is from Mexico. Any time there was a get together she'd bring her homemade salsa. I could not get enough of this salsa, no one could. When it was time to leave, her salsa would be gone, everyone felt the same way I did, it was the best salsa ever! Everyone devoured her salsa and looked forward to her bringing it to all the get together's. She and I became close friends, one day she told me to come to her house and she would show me how to make her salsa, she had to show me because she didn't explain things in English very well, it was easier to show. I was very glad I wanted to be able to make this salsa any time I desired and not have to wait for a gathering at the church.
I was surprised to find out how little ingredients she used and how the ingredients were prepared.

The Recipe:

Put approx. 20 cleaned Roma tomatoes in a fry pan, preferably a cast iron skillet, and turn stove top on high and burn all four sides of each tomato, I burn them till they are black on all four sides. Careful they get boiling hot on the inside! Put about half (10) tomatoes in a blender and blend on low till blended like a puree. Put the stove top on low now to keep it hot. Now add 2 to 4 cloves (the more you add the hotter it makes the salsa) of fresh garlic to blender with the blended tomatoes.
Add a TBLS. of salt to the blender as well, blend on low just to chop the garlic up. Pour the blended ingredients into a large glass bowl. Put the remaining tomatoes (the other half) into the blender and blend but just enough to break them up into pieces you don't want this batch to be pureed but more chunky. The skillet should still be very hot so turn it off and put about 4 to 6 Chinese red peppers in skillet and burn on both sides of pepper. These peppers are extremely hot but have the best taste. When you put them on the skillet the smoke from them can burn your eyes and nose, the smoke will kill a bird so do this part outside if you have a bird as a pet(my daughter's parakeet died when she made this once, very heart breaking!) Put the peppers in the blender with the blended tomatoes and garlic and blend just enough to chop the peppers. Pour this blender of ingredients to the other ones in the glass bowl and use a wooden spoon to throughly mix the ingredients together. Chop up a bunch of cilantro and add them to the glass bowl and mix again with wooden spoon. Take a bite with a Mexican corn chip and see if you may think it needs more salt or garlic or even more peppers, I think it's perfect, I don't think it needs anything else added but everyone's taste are different.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Learning To Live Without

I woke up this morning, thanked God for another day, then went to make a pot of coffee for my daughter and I, while everyone was still sleeping. One thing I have done since my early twenties is get up while everyone else is still sleeping, I love this time to myself.
I noticed there was no more creamer for our coffee, not the powder kind and I already knew from yesterday that we were out of half and half and there is no more milk either. I use to crumble about this, I just don't like coffee black or with sugar. But this morning I knew just like I do about so much in my life lately that it's no big deal, I have to go without and it's fine and that if I want my morning coffee then I have to drink my coffee black, there is no extra money to buy cream or even milk right now. I'm learning to live with out all the stuff I really like and even love and it's ok, it's actually good for me to suffer if you can even call it suffering, which it's not really, it's being spoiled and I need not be spoiled. So here I sit typing and drinking my black coffee with a smile on my face, I refuse to let something so minor get me down. Besides, I'm lucky we even have coffee to make and to drink this morning.

I'm trying to make it as a ghost writer, the pay is crappy right now but the opportunity to make decent money is in my future, so I stick to it. I also take care of two of my grand children and their mom pays me for that, thank God. Then when my ex has it he gives me over due child and spousal support. So although things are real tight financially, and I mean tight! At least there is hope in the future and a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see that light!

I hope everyone has a great and safe day today.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Why Do I Do That?!

Last night thought I'd have a little wine, relax by the pool and get in when it gets to hot to just sit by the pool. A nice ending to a long week.

It was a very quiet evening, my daughter's ex picked up all four of their kids to have them spend the night at his house. My son is back in Flagstaff so his two girls went to their mom's. It was just me and my young son and my daughter. It was just too quiet around here although sometimes it's nice to have a break from some of the arguing that kids can do, and did do before they left. Still I'd rather have a little less quiet than this.

I finally got into the pool. I played tag with my son and counted how long he could hold his breath then raced with him to see who could get to the other end of the pool first, he won, he surprised me at how fast he could swim.

Then a little more wine. I forgot to eat dinner because I had been so busy and my son made his own dinner, so I didn't eat. The wine hit fast, I hate feeling like this I like a little wine to relax with and even a little buzz but it's like the wine just knocked me on my bottom so quickly that it felt uncomfortable.

When I woke up this morning I felt like my pinky finger was broke, my foot hurts and then I remembered drinking too much wine. Why do I do that to my self? Then I remembered why, it just kinda creped up on me and before I knew it I had had too much wine. That's what I get for not eating first or at least with the wine.

So I spent the first part of my morning repenting to God, something I do if I get drunk because the Bible says not to be drunk some where in it. And I don't want God upset with me so I repent. And I mean it...repent means to turn your back on what ever it is you're repenting of and not do it again. I really mean I will not do it again! That's how I feel and that's what I mean, but I know also that if I do do that again then God's forgiving and merciful and full of grace. But I really will try not to do it again. (This is just how I feel and think)

Sitting here at my computer typing, my little finger is throbbing and I have no idea what I did to it or how it happened and I certainly don't want to ask anyone because I don't want anyone to know I can't remember! Then I tell myself in my head, don't ever do that again, seriously, a little wine is good but really Teresa, over doing it is not good.

Well off I go into the pool, it's hot today and I need to swim, this is the perfect exercise for me, I love swimming.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Home Videos...

My son wanted to watch our home videos that his dad and I took when he was a baby. I usually put him off when he asks because it's hard for me to go back to that time in my life, it saddens me because it didn't have to be this way, we had it all, we didn't have to end in divorce, things should have been different and could have been better. But the one thing that made me leave was when I couldn't trust him any more and I couldn't protect my son from him and I'll be damned if I let anyone hurt one of my babies. I took it myself far too long, the name calling, the screaming if I had a different opinion than him, and his sarcasm was too much to take any more, glass being thrown or his fist being thrown towards my face, no, I couldn't take it any more and I sure couldn't raise my son in this way.

Finally I told my son, ok, put the movie in, we climbed up on my high off the ground bed and watched the first video which was in 1990 right after his dad and I married. Wow to my shock I looked so young and I was so much shyer. My first four children were in this video, they were so young too, really young, my youngest at that time was only seven and today he's 28, four years younger than my son who's eleven, sitting next to me now watching his siblings on the tv.

I started laughing and then I started crying, I'm so glad I took videos back in those days, gosh it made me miss my babies! Now they're all adults with kids of their own. After the first video I put in one that was from 1997 to 1998. My kids were growing up and I have my first grand baby, from my daughter who is 19. This is probably my favorite video. Our home was cozy, my son's had their friends over all the time, my daughter and her baby lived with us. My husband at the time was always playing his guitar and singing, he even played on the video the song he wrote for me when we first got married. I always loved the lyrics and the music, it's beautiful. When I heard the song on the video I balled like a baby. I loved my husband so much at that time, I had forgotten how much I did love him. I was so surprised at how much my siblings and parents were over, they spent a lot of time visiting and we spent a lot of time at my parents home, I miss that! Now I see my parents since they've moved, once a month. One of my sister's moved to Washington so it's rare that I get to see her. My brother lives close but we rarely see each other but talk on the phone often. My other sister, I haven't seen in three years and have talked maybe twice in those three years and she lives close by too. I want to have a family reunion, I miss my family!

Then we watched from 1998 to 2000....a lot of memories, good and sad, but mainly good. I sometimes wish I had video of my ex's anger, rage, etc. not for anyone but me to see. Although it's burned into my brain, sometimes today when he's being nice it's easy to forget the bad parts. In 1999 I had my now eleven year old, what an adorable baby and a miracle that I could even have him, I praise God for that. But truly all babies are miracles and I praise God for all five of my children and all nine of my grand children.

I am so happy I let my son talk me into watching these home videos with him. I was ready after all to go back and look into the window of my past and I really needed that. It was like watching all five and two of my grand children grow up all over again, I got to relive a good part of my life, it is awesome!

Now I'm going to start taking home videos again, there's a lot more grand children! It's almost as if I've allowed my life to come to a pause since my divorce and now I'm really ready to move to a normal speed again. After all in 3 days it'll have been four years since the divorce was final.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Haboob....A mighty dust wall...it was huge!

The haboob happened yesterday, July 5 and covered the area with 50 m.p.h. winds! There was no visibility. The dust wall was estimated to have been 5,000 feet high and 70 miles wide! I was in the pool with several children, I saw this huge dark wall and told the kids, calmly, to get out of the pool. They all looked at me like why, so I said get out now and come look at this. As they all got out I pointed to the great dark wall that was moving towards us. I stayed calm but I knew that we needed to get in the house, although at that moment the wind was not blowing it would be soon and we wouldn't be able to breathe once that dust was over top of us. They all got in the house and within seconds we were in the middle of this huge black dust mess! It went from being bright as day to black as the blackest night and heavy winds that made the trees look as if they were going to snap into. It was really an awesome sight and pictures can't do it justice.

Can't wait for tonight, hope we get a storm! And lots of rain and thunder, just no lightening please!

Casey Anthony Verdict of Not Guilty

Just because the verdict came in not guilty does not mean she's innocent by any means!

It's crazy that this became such a huge profile case, seriously, why this case over other's? I mean there are so many missing children, but this one for some reason has gotten so much more attention than other cases. It almost makes me sick and mainly because there was no true justice for the child that was murdered and the mother is going to get rich off of it, that's already started happening. And certain witnesses told many lies on the stand...how can they get away with lying on the stand??? What kind of justice is this?

Well God is just and just like OJ got away with it he ended up paying any ways. I believe Casey will end up some how paying for it in the end too. Because although our so called justice system is just, God really is just!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Casey Anthony

WOW! Verdict just in....Not Guilty! WHAT?! I am shocked...it's almost hard to wrap my mind around the verdict! She got away with murder! At least that's my opinion, and now there is no answers to what really happened to her daughter Caylee.
I have followed this case from day one and I really thought Casey Anthony murdered her little girl, after watching the trial I just knew the prosecutors won. But no, the defense won and I really am beside myself. It's like the OJ Simpson trial when he got away with murdering his wife!
Right now that's all I can say about this shocking case.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July!

Yea! I love the 4th of July! Although our usual routine will not happen this year we still can enjoy our 4th.
We usually have king crab, except for two of my grand kids since they're highly allergic to shell fish, and so we let them have what ever they want for dinner. Then my daughter makes the most delicious and beautiful strawberry short cake with real homemade whipping cream, I will miss that for sure, it's divine! But we do have strawberries thanks to my sis and brother-in-law.

Since it's so hot we will play and swim in the pool this year and watch the fire works display, we should be able to see them and hear them from the pool according to the internet search I did to see where they were going to be going off tonight.

It is so humid and stifling today, there's no way I want to drive to where they are being displayed. Then to sit there and wait after finding a spot for all of us to sit and then trying to fight traffic to get home, all the time everyone having to go potty since we were there for so long. Nope, tonight it will be the perfect 4th, having pool fun, staying cool and with our meal not available to us this year we're mixing it up a little. It will be good, I know that!

I hope everyone has a great 4th!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

This Day....Today....Right Now

I want to focus on the now moment and take a little break from thinking about the future...I know planning for the future is necessary but I know it's also important to just enjoy right now.

I was blessed today by my sister and my brother-in-law, by their presence and by the groceries they brought us. Since we lost our business and the home we were in and moved here in December we've been struggling financially, a very hard struggle. And trying to feed all of us can be a challenge right now, not to mention always running out of toilet paper and other important essentials! (So a huge thank you Rob and Judy!!! I love you guys so much and I will miss you terribly, and long for the day you come back to visit or we can go to Washington to visit you guys). I have to say it's a lot ( I was going to say a little but that's not true it's a lot!)of embarrassment to me that I'm struggling this hard, I'm not use to relying on help from others but extremely thankful for their help. I want to support myself and my son, and I want to be able to help others in need, I don't want to be the one in need.

It's almost funny, I was well off at a greater part of my life and I've been hard up in other times in my life, but I think right now has been about the hardest time ever in my life. I've learned these past 6 or so months to be thankful for what we have and even for what we don't have, I've learned not to be picky...cause that's not even an option now. I've learned to go with out, without the foods and drinks I like, to go without nice clothing, most of mine and my daughters clothes are pretty much rags at this point. Thank God that my daughter's ex buys their children's clothes, shoes etc. And he does help my daughter out with her portion of rent and groceries as well.

I have never been one that likes to live month to month or week to week or pay check to pay check, now we live day to day, that's even worse! Not really knowing if we'll have enough money to pay any let alone all the bills. But then someone comes and brings us groceries like my sister and her husband today, and my parents the other day. Made me cry that people care and made me sad to feel like a burden to anyone, although they never looked at it as we are a burden. The cashier that checked my sister and her husband out at the grocery store even helped my sister said, by giving them $10 off their order, the cashier said she wants to help too. Wow, how awesome is that, a perfect stranger helping us out. Thank you who ever you are!

Life will get better financially and I know this struggle will be over one day, can hardly wait for that day though!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Life Changes Again....

I guess that's what makes it more adventurous or interesting, all the changes that take place and keep taking place constantly or continuously.

Now my son that was living here with us and his two daughter's several days a week are not living here and my ex-husband is now living here.

So...It's my self and my eleven year old son, my daughter who's almost 33 years old with her almost two year old baby boy, my daughter's other three children part time and they live part time with their dad, my ex-husband (my second one, who's the dad to my 11 year old, the step dad to my other four children) all living together in our three bedroom home which we still are renting from one of my older sons who lives in Flagstaff with his wife (that's where my son who isn't living here any more moved too). But I do get to watch his two daughter's several times a week for their mom while she works. That's a blessing, I miss my son so much since he moved out, to not see his daughter's would be so hard to handle.

It's amazing from 11 of us down to 8 now almost at all times, how much less noise there is, less busyness around here it is. To many that's a lot of people but for us, it works great and we're never lonely or bored.

My daughter just walked in and brought with her 4 more kids, her ex-sister-in-law's kids that she watches a few days a week, so that they can go swimming, awesome! The more the merrier for sure! It's so hot today here in the valley of the sun, we're having an alert because it's too hot. The weather channel says right now it's 112 degrees and rising. It may reach 120 degrees.

Well I'm going in....to the pool!

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Great Day....

Sittin here drinking a little wine and thinking back on the day....it was a great day at that!
My sister, my precious sister with the most beautiful red hair, and her husband came to visit from the state of Washington today....I haven't seen my sister in almost three years and my brother-in-law in about seven years...It was awesome seeing them and visiting with them! Gosh I've missed them terribly! I wish they'd move back to the valley...Mesa or better yet, Gilbert, Arizona. Family is so important to me and these two really helped hold our family's together like glue when they lived here. We all miss them so so much. It saddens me to have to say good bye again, especially not knowing when I'll get to see them again.
My 11 year old and my five grand children that were here all fell in love with their new found uncle...they had a blast with this brother-in-law of mine. What a great uncle he is. He played like a kid himself with the children and even throwing them in the pool and letting them climb all over him while my sister gave my daughter, my mom, my 13 year old grand daughter and I facials. It was certainly a lively, noisy, fun thrilled and exciting day!
We need to do this more often and I really hope we do.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Aloe Vera...awesome stuff!

My ex-husband brought me a whole bunch of Aloe Vera cactus yesterday, I'm going to plant them in pots outside and inside the house with my grand daughter who like me loves to garden.
Part of one of the large leaves got snapped in two, so I decided to take the broken part and use the gel and liquid that is inside of it. I know Aloe Vera is known for being a plant that heals and I have had this cold sore inside my nose for weeks and it just doesn't seem to be getting better, actually yesterday I thought it was getting worse, so I took a cotton swab and got the gel and liquid parts of the aloe all over the swab and put it on the cold sore inside of my nose.
Then I thought, what the heck, it's in beauty products, so I put it all over my face, my neck, my legs and hands and my chest, my arms, every where!
Then I felt a little tiny bit of burning near my eyes so I must of gotten it maybe too close to my eyes.
At first I thought it's no big deal, it can't hurt you. But knowing me, I got a little scared so I got on the internet and looked up Aloe Vera. Just about everything I found on it was positive, nothing bad. Which I knew from past experience any way, but me, have to be a little safe than sorry. I'm actually glad I looked it up, I will use my new precious plants as a healer to wounds and as my new beauty product.
This morning when I woke up the cold sore was gone, no sore in my nose! I really couldn't believe it, no more pain, I thought this was miraculous!

Friday, March 25, 2011

When one door closes sometimes a window opens...so jump!

When one door closes sometimes a window opens...so jump!
I love that saying....it was in a movie I saw years ago.

There are now eleven of us living together....in a 3 bedroom home! I love it! Life is so not boring or quiet around here that's for sure. We tried finding another home together but had no luck...so thank goodness the doors that were closed were probably for the better and this window opened so we jumped and we have a nice home...with a pool! I can't wait til it's hot enough to swim! Summer will be here before you know it and the pool will be a real treat. Plus it helps the landlord that we've decided to stay. A win win situation.

I love this town better than where we were living and I won't miss Mesa at all...Gilbert is really a nice city I'm so glad we decided to stay here.

Life is pleasant...especially when I stay in the precious present moment.

Monday, February 28, 2011


For two and a half months now, we: my self, my young son, my older adult son, his two young children three to four days a week, my adult daughter, her baby, her other three children a few times a week have been co-existing together in one of my other adult son's home, while he and his wife are living up north. It's been good....there have been a lot of good times and there have been some harder times. But mainly good, I think we have all learned more than anything to respect each other, and that family is an awesome bond. That saying is true...about blood being thicker than water.

I'm ready to move back to my old neighborhood though, to get on with my life again. It's truly
bitter sweet, I'll miss living with my adult son and his children...it's painful to say goodbye. My daughter and her children, me and my young son will all move into a home together that fits us all, I look forward to being back in my own place and being by my young son's school again.