Saturday, July 17, 2010

It's a new day, a new start, a new beginning

It's totally natural for me to wake up feeling negative, it almost slips from my thoughts to my lips the second I wake up. "Ugh, I've got to get up, I just want to lay here for another hour." "Ugh, I don't want to do any thing today, until I feel like doing what ever it is I feel like doing, which is nothing for a few hours." "Ugh, I feel crappy."

I guess I've lived in such a negative state most of my life so that's why it's so natural and comes so easily for me to be negative. And being in a negative state of mind is just a state of mind, I don't have to stay in it and for the past year I've been pulling myself out of this negative state the second it pops into my mind. But sometimes it's harder than others. Today when I woke up I was feeling very negative. I grumbled to myself on the way to the bathroom, I grumbled up the stairs and out to the deck where I sat down and lit a cigarette.

Then I looked out across the street and realized it's a beautiful morning, the weather is warm but comfortable, on the back fence is a family of Quail walking, the field across the street was just mowed and smelled of cut grass and was so pretty and green.

I smiled and told myself, "Be positive, Teresa, it's a great day".
And it is, it's a new day, a new start, a new beginning!
Yesterday is gone, over, done, today is a new, a fresh beginning!

If there is something I'm not happy about, I can change it. If I don't like my weight then I can eat less and move more. If I don't like my financial situation then I can go door to door if need be and sell more candy. By the way it is to me the best candy out there!
If I need to change anything I have the ability to do so and I'm excited about it! I'm not stuck, no, I am positive and creative and capable and this is exciting to me!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Panic from pain

About a week and a half ago I was walking down the stairs to go to my bedroom and my knee made a pop sound and immediately the pain that came next was devastating.

I grabbed the rail to keep from falling and I let out a scream. I couldn't believe the amount of pain, and the fear that struck me was almost uncontrollable. My son and my grand children came running to see what had happened, thank God, they helped me get to my bed. Then my grand daughter went to get her mom, my daughter.

By now I was crying, I instantly went from being normal to crippled, and I was frightened! In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I have the tools to deal with this panic that is flooding my body, but I also knew I didn't want to be crippled or bed ridden.

Then the what if thinking came in like a flash flood through my mind. "What if it's a blood clot?" "What if the blood clot goes to my heart, my lungs, my brain?" "What if I'll never walk again?" "What if I have to go to the hospital and never come out?" "Who's going to take care of my son?" And on and on and on, the thoughts came.

I got into my bed with help, I called my mom because she's had so many things go wrong with her knees that I thought she may know what just happened to mine.
As she talked she manage to calm me down. She said it sounds exactly like a baker's cyst. They aren't dangerous but extremely painful.

Later that evening one of my adult sons came over with something for my pain. Which made me so sad that he himself had gone through severe pain in his knee. I felt so heart broken for him at that moment. He had tore his ACL several years back and had to have surgery. And I knew his pain then is more pain than I was feeling now. And I was in a lot of pain!

The next morning when I got up my brother had come earlier and brought me my mom's walker. That made me feel both grateful and sickened. I needed the help getting around but I didn't want to have to use a walker, it made me feel old and crippled.

I started having panicky feelings every day for about three days. I kept telling my self that I'm fine, I don't have a blood clot, I am healthy and I am strong and that my knee will heal and I'll be OK.
I had to constantly keep my mind from going to the "what if" place that causes panic.

Today I am better, my knee is a little tender but I don't need pain medicine or the walker. I am fine.

It's one of the toughest times I've had fighting back panic. But I did it and I'm stronger for it!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My Job

My daughter and I run an in home day care for children of all ages.

It totally amazes me that some of the parents that drop their children off to us are so clueless when it comes to their own child/children! Or is it that they just don't really give a damn, and just hand them over for the day care provider to raise? And, yes I mean raise them, when we have them some fifty waking hours or more a week!

One mom drops her three children here about 5:30 am, she has her make up on and her hair curled, but her kids come in poo poo diapers, they've even come with vomit on them! What kind of parent would let their child suffer like that. If it was a once in awhile occurrence I could understand it but it's not. I realize that she has to look good for work, but I also realize she could have gotten up a little earlier to change the babies diapers or clean up the vomit and change their clothes.

One parent never provides diaper rash medicine no matter how many times I say something about it. And this little baby almost always has a very red, sometimes bleeding rash! I mean seriously....that's just cruel! I had two of my own children that rash easily, but I didn't just ignore it I fixed the problem. Why someone would let their baby suffer is beyond me! So I buy diaper rash meds and I fix it for the baby since they wont. But by the time they come back after the weekend, the rash is back and just as bad!!

Not all parents are like this but it sure seems like a lot of parents are. To the ones that are respectful to us, thank you with all of my heart, you are awesome and truly a blessing to us and to your children. You know who you are and we love you guys so much.

I know that moms and dads have to work, and now with all the single moms and single dads (I'm a single mom, my daughter is also a single mom) it's even more true. Not all can stay home with their children like we do and work from home. We know what it's like to have to go to work out side of the home and we decided it's not worth it, sacrificing our children by sending them off to be watched by total strangers hoping they'll love them like their own, or at least treat them with care, respect and kindness. That's why we do what we do and care as much as we do. We are trying to make a good difference in daycare for the parents to have peace of mind when they leave their babies and for the babies to have a loving, safe, enjoyable and learning time while they are in our care.

I've been on the other side of the fence and after my daughter would cry every single day when I had to drop her off so that I could work, I decided to quietly look in on the day care provider, who was a friend of mine! Or so I thought. What I saw was horrifying and I rescued my babies right then and there and I knew no one was going to baby sit my children ever again. I mean if you can't trust a friend then how could you trust anyone?! I'll do what I have to do to keep my babies safe and that's what I've done with all five of my children. No amount of money or benefits is worth my babies being in danger, or put into someones home for ten hours a day not being loved and taken care of. But thank God not all daycare providers are like the one I had, there are good providers out there.

Being able to be home with my children and my children being able to be with their mommy and not in someone elses care is so rewarding.

It's a tough job at times, but a rewarding one. The children are never the problem in our day care, it's certain parents who cause our job to be hard by trying to walk on us, who have no respect for us, who think of us as their slaves. Who know that this is our job, our paycheck, how we survive, when they don't show they don't pay and we're on a very tight budget, if you went to work and your check wasn't waiting for you when you expected it and needed it to pay your bills, you'd be pretty upset. But this happens to us all the time! If some one were taking care of my child I would give them my respect and make sure I made their life as easy as possible with my schedule, my child coming clean, calling if they aren't coming when expected, bringing a gallon of milk once a month, or juice, or treats to share with the other children. I would even drop a note of appreciation to her once in awhile.