Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ever Changing Life...

Wow how life has changed in just a few days...some changes are good some are devastating...this one is most definitely devastating! We got behind on our rent because one family decided not to show up or even let us know they we're not going to be coming in weeks. It cost us four hundred dollars a month which was aprox. $2000 total that we budgeted! Then one family text-ed on a Sat. evening saying her mom got fired so she's going to take over watching her boys, which put us out about $900 a month behind indefinitely! Our landlord said he would work with us and for a couple months he did but then out of the blue he gives us a 5 day notice to come up with all the money we owe which is about two and a half months rent and not that I blame him, I was a landlord a couple of times and I worked with my tenants but it was just too hard and had to evict them. I'm just shocked that after the 5 days notice was up he went to the court and when we got the court eviction notice it wasn't 30 days like it use to be, it was 9 days!!! We had to be out in 9 days! We had little help and I am so appreciative to the ones that did help. We had no where to go, thank God my son and his wife allowed us to come stay at their house until we get enough money to get our own place again. All this on my son's birthday which meant no party for him, that saddened me. Plus my daughter could only bring her infant, so her other three children are staying with their dad til we get our own place again. And all this before Christmas!!! We lost our business and will have to start over again once we get back on our feet.
In the midst of everything we are trying to keep a positive out look which is hard for the most part. I'm praying a lot and trusting God. I hope this never happens to another person, especially if they have kids, it just totally sucks!Starting over is really not fun right now.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I haven't blogged in a while, again, I've been busy writing and rewriting a book that I plan on getting published. I think I blog to clear my head and it needs clearing today! But should I put what's in my head and in my heart out there for anyone to read or do I just keep it in a private journal? That seems to be my dilemma every time I blog.

I guess I made up my mind, I'll blog. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone else out there in Internet land...or maybe it'll just help me.

Well on a positive note, agoraphobia is thrown out the door, praise God! I use to have dreams that it'd be thrown out of my life for good and I would pray for that day to come, quickly, that I would never feel like this again and it truly is. I still have anxious moments but nothing I can't handle and I don't have panic any more. I'm not afraid, it's an awesome feeling!

I can't thank God enough, for everything he's done for me. And I know he pointed me in the right direction when I got the dvd's on anxiety from The Midwest Center. Not to be a prisoner of my fears, and to be free from panic and agoraphobia is so so awesome!

I decided last Friday night that I am not missing out on my ten year old's life any more. I can make any excuse I want, why I don't go here or do this or that but the saddest thing is is that I'm watching my son and my grand kids grow up with me only in the background. I'm missing out on their lives and this is such a beautiful time in their lives right now. So enough is enough!

Saturday I went to a fall festival in Gilbert and I loved it, I had a blast! My son and my older children and my grand children were so happy I went, and surprised that I really went. Then the next night, I went to my older son's house and again had a ball! This Saturday, we are making plans to go do something fun again. I can't wait! I am set free! The crazy thing is, I always was free, I made myself a prisoner, no one else did. I was afraid of the feelings associated with anxiety and panic that I wouldn't go any where. I wouldn't leave the house, I wouldn't even walk out the front door a year ago but now, I can go any where, I even look forward to getting on an airplane again and flying to Dana Point, Ca. my favorite vacation spot ever!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Daycare...an unappreciated job!

Like I've stated before, my daughter and I run an in home daycare for children.
We've had this one family for over a year, almost two years actually.
They have always paid us in advance for two weeks at a time and if there was a holiday or if for another reason their children didn't come they paid for those days, too.

I've told them many times they don't have to pay if their children aren't here and I've actually tried to give them their money back on many occasions but they said they want to do this, this is how they paid their old daycare provider.
I thought this was and it was, extremely nice of them.

Since this has been going on for so long we budgeted accordingly.
We raised our rates by five dollars a day several months ago, and this mom even encouraged me to do so because she said we deserve it, but we would not raise this families rates because of them paying us even though their children didn't come a day or so. We even talked about this with this family. It was known to them and to us, their rates will stay the same since they pay even when their children aren't here at times.

All of the sudden they stopped paying us when their children didn't come, without even telling us they were going to do this. At first I just let it go, thinking they just made a mistake or whatever. But then as the weeks went on and they kept not paying us like they did for so long our budget suffered tremendously.
And I just couldn't understand why they didn't come to us and tell us they were going to start doing this. What made them decide to stop paying if there was a holiday or if their children didn't come for a day.

So I texted her one evening and asked about it. And they, her and her husband got so pissed that I sent a text, which was a nice text asking why they changed how they paid us and why they didn't let us know they were going to do this. They said I was immature to text them about it that I should have sat down and discussed it with them, well they were immature too then by not even sending me a text or to sit down face to face to discuss it in the first place, making me have to. And texting I do not think is immature at all. I nicely told them it's ok that they want to stop paying if their children aren't here, I don't charge anyone if their child is not here.
But since they wanted to do this for over a year and we budgeted that way, they should have at least gave us some notice so that it wouldn't hurt us financially. And since the only reason we didn't raise their rates when we raised everyone elses now no longer applies. Since now they changed this, we didn't, I informed them, now we have to increase their rates like we did to everyone else. Well that didn't go over too well, they were enraged, especially her husband.

He came to our house that night screaming f-bombs to me and my daughter, I thought he was going to hit us. I have never seen him or her like this, my daughter and I both cried, our children were terrified too. There is no excuse for his actions! So unacceptable!
But after seeing him in action I realized why one of their children has the rage he has and melt downs on a continual basis. So sad! So wrong! Poor baby!
I will so miss their children, they were, are precious.
I'm sad over this, I can't believe they blew up like they did, I just don't understand certain people or their way of thinking sometimes.
They should have come to us, to inform us of their pay change, they were wrong, we were not wrong by asking about it and then letting them know that our new pay rates now apply to them like the other day care parents. I'm almost in a state of shock over this, their treatment, their way of thinking.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Power of Music..good and bad

There are still songs that when I hear them on the radio take me back to
my first marriage, and although it's been forever ago, those songs can
still sting and take me back twenty five and thirty years ago. Man that
makes me sound old!

In my second marriage we didn't listen to secular music only to Christian music, that use to upset me, because I love music, I love to dance and I
love to sing. But today I'm glad that we didn't because today there's no music that I hear on the radio that hurts when I hear it. Or takes me back
to earlier good times or painful bad times with my second ex-husband. And we never had a song we could call ours, it's funny, that use to sadden me,
but they say everything works out the way it's suppose to, I guess
that's true, cause it's a good thing that we never had "our song"
if we did and I heard it on the radio it would most likely hurt.

It's funny how music can take you back to yesteryear and how it can bring back the exact way you felt no matter how long it's been. Our memories are an amazing thing. Music is a powerful thing.

my blog

I just want to say to anyone who reads my blog, I don't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I have or if I do in the future. It's my own personal experiences, things I've gone through, good and bad, my way of even blowing off steam sometimes I think, and also hopefully someone who's gone through any of the same things I've gone through, maybe it can even help them through their own battles. And some things I write are just my own opinion, I am not trying to attack anyone nor should anyone take it as that, we are all entitled to our own opinions and to voice them on our own blog.

Thanks,
teresa alley :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

School times

I can hardly believe summer vacation is over, it went by so fast! The kids are back in school, it's so much more quieter around the house, it almost saddens me, I miss them when they're gone.

I'm listening to the radio, songs that are playing I listened to back when I was in jr. high and high school, a zillion years ago! Or so it feels like that. Songs of romance mainly. Today hearing these songs takes me back in my mind to innocent love and the excitement of one day getting married to a man that adores me and I adore him, having babies, and living happily ever after. And the reality of it today feels like a kick in my gut and in my heart. Two failed marriages and five kids later at the age of fifty....will I ever ever have true love in my life or is it too late....has it passed me by and now I get to grow old alone? I miss having a relationship but I don't miss my last two marriages....they were abusive. Living alone is at least safe although lonely at times. I'll always prefer alone over abuse any day! But still I can't help but have hope that there is still a man out there somewhere, for me, someone that's non abusive. And it may seem silly, especially at my age but I want that happily ever after!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It's a new day, a new start, a new beginning

It's totally natural for me to wake up feeling negative, it almost slips from my thoughts to my lips the second I wake up. "Ugh, I've got to get up, I just want to lay here for another hour." "Ugh, I don't want to do any thing today, until I feel like doing what ever it is I feel like doing, which is nothing for a few hours." "Ugh, I feel crappy."

I guess I've lived in such a negative state most of my life so that's why it's so natural and comes so easily for me to be negative. And being in a negative state of mind is just a state of mind, I don't have to stay in it and for the past year I've been pulling myself out of this negative state the second it pops into my mind. But sometimes it's harder than others. Today when I woke up I was feeling very negative. I grumbled to myself on the way to the bathroom, I grumbled up the stairs and out to the deck where I sat down and lit a cigarette.

Then I looked out across the street and realized it's a beautiful morning, the weather is warm but comfortable, on the back fence is a family of Quail walking, the field across the street was just mowed and smelled of cut grass and was so pretty and green.

I smiled and told myself, "Be positive, Teresa, it's a great day".
And it is, it's a new day, a new start, a new beginning!
Yesterday is gone, over, done, today is a new, a fresh beginning!

If there is something I'm not happy about, I can change it. If I don't like my weight then I can eat less and move more. If I don't like my financial situation then I can go door to door if need be and sell more candy. By the way it is to me the best candy out there!
If I need to change anything I have the ability to do so and I'm excited about it! I'm not stuck, no, I am positive and creative and capable and this is exciting to me!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Panic from pain

About a week and a half ago I was walking down the stairs to go to my bedroom and my knee made a pop sound and immediately the pain that came next was devastating.

I grabbed the rail to keep from falling and I let out a scream. I couldn't believe the amount of pain, and the fear that struck me was almost uncontrollable. My son and my grand children came running to see what had happened, thank God, they helped me get to my bed. Then my grand daughter went to get her mom, my daughter.

By now I was crying, I instantly went from being normal to crippled, and I was frightened! In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I have the tools to deal with this panic that is flooding my body, but I also knew I didn't want to be crippled or bed ridden.

Then the what if thinking came in like a flash flood through my mind. "What if it's a blood clot?" "What if the blood clot goes to my heart, my lungs, my brain?" "What if I'll never walk again?" "What if I have to go to the hospital and never come out?" "Who's going to take care of my son?" And on and on and on, the thoughts came.

I got into my bed with help, I called my mom because she's had so many things go wrong with her knees that I thought she may know what just happened to mine.
As she talked she manage to calm me down. She said it sounds exactly like a baker's cyst. They aren't dangerous but extremely painful.

Later that evening one of my adult sons came over with something for my pain. Which made me so sad that he himself had gone through severe pain in his knee. I felt so heart broken for him at that moment. He had tore his ACL several years back and had to have surgery. And I knew his pain then is more pain than I was feeling now. And I was in a lot of pain!

The next morning when I got up my brother had come earlier and brought me my mom's walker. That made me feel both grateful and sickened. I needed the help getting around but I didn't want to have to use a walker, it made me feel old and crippled.

I started having panicky feelings every day for about three days. I kept telling my self that I'm fine, I don't have a blood clot, I am healthy and I am strong and that my knee will heal and I'll be OK.
I had to constantly keep my mind from going to the "what if" place that causes panic.

Today I am better, my knee is a little tender but I don't need pain medicine or the walker. I am fine.

It's one of the toughest times I've had fighting back panic. But I did it and I'm stronger for it!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My Job

My daughter and I run an in home day care for children of all ages.

It totally amazes me that some of the parents that drop their children off to us are so clueless when it comes to their own child/children! Or is it that they just don't really give a damn, and just hand them over for the day care provider to raise? And, yes I mean raise them, when we have them some fifty waking hours or more a week!

One mom drops her three children here about 5:30 am, she has her make up on and her hair curled, but her kids come in poo poo diapers, they've even come with vomit on them! What kind of parent would let their child suffer like that. If it was a once in awhile occurrence I could understand it but it's not. I realize that she has to look good for work, but I also realize she could have gotten up a little earlier to change the babies diapers or clean up the vomit and change their clothes.

One parent never provides diaper rash medicine no matter how many times I say something about it. And this little baby almost always has a very red, sometimes bleeding rash! I mean seriously....that's just cruel! I had two of my own children that rash easily, but I didn't just ignore it I fixed the problem. Why someone would let their baby suffer is beyond me! So I buy diaper rash meds and I fix it for the baby since they wont. But by the time they come back after the weekend, the rash is back and just as bad!!

Not all parents are like this but it sure seems like a lot of parents are. To the ones that are respectful to us, thank you with all of my heart, you are awesome and truly a blessing to us and to your children. You know who you are and we love you guys so much.

I know that moms and dads have to work, and now with all the single moms and single dads (I'm a single mom, my daughter is also a single mom) it's even more true. Not all can stay home with their children like we do and work from home. We know what it's like to have to go to work out side of the home and we decided it's not worth it, sacrificing our children by sending them off to be watched by total strangers hoping they'll love them like their own, or at least treat them with care, respect and kindness. That's why we do what we do and care as much as we do. We are trying to make a good difference in daycare for the parents to have peace of mind when they leave their babies and for the babies to have a loving, safe, enjoyable and learning time while they are in our care.

I've been on the other side of the fence and after my daughter would cry every single day when I had to drop her off so that I could work, I decided to quietly look in on the day care provider, who was a friend of mine! Or so I thought. What I saw was horrifying and I rescued my babies right then and there and I knew no one was going to baby sit my children ever again. I mean if you can't trust a friend then how could you trust anyone?! I'll do what I have to do to keep my babies safe and that's what I've done with all five of my children. No amount of money or benefits is worth my babies being in danger, or put into someones home for ten hours a day not being loved and taken care of. But thank God not all daycare providers are like the one I had, there are good providers out there.

Being able to be home with my children and my children being able to be with their mommy and not in someone elses care is so rewarding.

It's a tough job at times, but a rewarding one. The children are never the problem in our day care, it's certain parents who cause our job to be hard by trying to walk on us, who have no respect for us, who think of us as their slaves. Who know that this is our job, our paycheck, how we survive, when they don't show they don't pay and we're on a very tight budget, if you went to work and your check wasn't waiting for you when you expected it and needed it to pay your bills, you'd be pretty upset. But this happens to us all the time! If some one were taking care of my child I would give them my respect and make sure I made their life as easy as possible with my schedule, my child coming clean, calling if they aren't coming when expected, bringing a gallon of milk once a month, or juice, or treats to share with the other children. I would even drop a note of appreciation to her once in awhile.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Attitude

I just read this and thought that it is so true.

We all have bad days from time to time. However, if we have perpetual bad days then maybe it’s a bad attitude.

I know for me when I feel those over whelming feelings that nothings going right, I have to stop, take a breath and think to myself, why am I feeling this way. My thoughts play a huge role in how I feel and when I recognize or even entertain certain thoughts they can make a huge difference in my attitude whether negative or positive.

I believe attitude is everything! It can start with one little thought, but we have the ability to change our thoughts, and to change our attitude. If I don't like a certain way that I'm feeling I immediately change my thought process and ultimately my attitude changes. Very empowering!!!

If it feels too hard with just a thought then I listen to music or read a book or pray, doing something positive is always a good way to help you go from negative to positive.
The more I do it the easier it gets.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day!

To my dad and my son's that are now dad's and to all the other men I know that are dad's....HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

My son wants to buy his dad a Father's Day gift, I resent my son's dad, tremendously right now, because he doesn't act like a dad or a father, he's never around and when he does come around it's for a brief moment. He won't take our son out to play ball (which is really too bad because our son is a total natural at baseball) or to the park or for an ice cream. It's truly pathetic!!! It crushes my heart for my son. But for my son's sake I will give him money to buy his dad a present. And my son will not hear me complain about it because it's not his fault his dad is the way he is. And I don't want my son to feel bad about any of this. But in the inside I know I will be sick over this.

Every year on Father's Day I am reminded of what shitty dad's my 5 children have. Every year (actually every day!) I hope my Ex's step up to the plate of fatherhood before it's too late and give our children and now our grand children some joy, some true love, some memories that make them smile one day.

Obviously this is a day I will need to really talk positive to myself and to change my attitude! Being down helps no one!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Summer

25.
Awe...summer is here...well not officially, in four more days it'll be official. But school's out and that always makes it seem like summer.
I love summer, I love my son and my grand children being home all day and not having to rush out the door to go to school. I'm hoping school does go to four days a week here in Mesa, Arizona, like some schools have already done. I love the house filled with children and the noise they make, and boy do they ever get noisy! But it's a good thing. I remember living with just my son at one point and it could get pretty lonely. Yes the house was always clean, but it was too quiet. I love a house full of people. But I do like my own personal space too, sometimes I have to tell everyone I need some time alone, I go to my room and I have a good thirty minutes or so to myself before someone wants in to watch my television or play games on the play station. The only thing we're missing is a swimming pool, if I miss anything from my last marriage it would be my house and my pool.

I woke up this morning from a dream that still haunts me as I sit here typing. I was married to my second ex-husband and he was trying to manipulate me again. First he tried sweetness but when I saw through his sweetness he got angry and tried to tell me I didn't know what I was talking about. In real life I always believed him, well until the end of our marriage, and gave him the benefit of doubt. In my dream I almost did, but I knew deep down what he was doing, so I told him he can no longer do this to me and I left him again.
I am shocked that he could really be this way, I'm glad that every now and then I have a dream that reminds me of how he is so that I never fall into his trap again.

I know I am going to make it, I am on the right track and I am so excited that I, as a single woman and mom, can make it on my own, without a man. I am not a woman that believes in women's lib. And I have always believed in marriage, but today after two failed marriages, because of abuse. I know I don't need a man to "make it" in any way what so ever. I am capable of raising my son on my own, which I've been doing for several years now, and without much financial support from my ex. I'd love some financial support that he owes and I believe I will get more support from him since child support enforcement is now involved in our case. But for now even without much support from him, I'm doing well.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day to all you wonderful moms and grandma's out there! Have a blessed day!

24.
It's Mother's Day, and a very emotional day for me, I love being a mom and I love being a grandma (Grammy) and when my children acknowledge this day it touches my heart tremendously. It feels so good to be loved. And to my mother, I love you dearly and I wish you a wonderful day today. My mom, she's a good lady who also lead a very hard life her self and I appreciate her so much.

Being a mother is one of if not the only one, of the most rewarding position in the world. When your kids grow up and have children it becomes even more rewarding, the love you feel for your grand children is incredibly great, not to take away from the love as a mom but it's a little different than the feelings you have towards your grand babies. Not more love but a different love. Having my son the same age as my grand children is proof to myself that this love as a grandma is not less love but a different kind of love. It's so hard to explain! I feel incredibly close to my younger son, he's one of the biggest blessings of my life. He is such a joy, and I praise God for him. I think one of the differences is my child is my responsibility and my grand children have their parents so there is less responsibly. I guess the old saying about you can give them back to mommy when they cry...or what ever it is they say....is true.

I hope you all have a marvelous day, every day, of every year.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Tiger By The Tail

23.
I've been so busy I haven't made time to blog...something I really like to do for me....it helps clarify things in my life, my past, my present and even my future. It helps me also to put things into perspective. There are so many times in the past month that I'd think "Oh I should write about this or that on my blog" then I let time get away and forget about what I thought would be good to blog about.

Today I was on the deck of my home and I could see the school where my son and grand children go. I could see my son and many other children running, they are running before school and during their recesses to get medals. My son has already won the bronze and the silver and is now trying for the gold, which I believe he'll get. He is determined and it makes me so proud of him. One of his friends feels like giving up because she only got the bronze so far and several others have surpassed her. This just reminds me that we all have the same amount of time, 24 hours a day. What we do with that time is up to us. Some will surpass us in life and we will surpass others in life. If someone becomes famous or rich or even just content, I believe we had the same opportunity for the most part and we just may not have believed in our own selves and stopped trying. I don't know if that makes since to anyone else, maybe because I'm just not writing it the way I feel or see it. But it makes since to me. That little girl has the exact amount of time as the other children, she may not have used it as wisely as the other children, or she may not have run as fast because maybe she just isn't physically able. I'm not sure but I do know that if she really wants the gold medal not to give up and to be proud that she even tried. Because that's really what it's about, not giving up and doing the best you can do. And to be proud of yourself for even putting forth the effort. And just because you didn't get the gold medal, or become famous, or rich, or whatever it is you were going for, doesn't make you a failure.

My uncle used to say to my brother and me when we were in our twenties, that we have the tiger by the tail, we could do anything in life. I didn't understand it then, but I know what he meant now, about twenty five years later. And although I'm now fifty, I know I am able to go for my goals and to not make excuses for why I can't do what I really want to do.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Teen Pregnancy

22.
Everyone's talking about teen pregnancy...again, like it's a new thing, maybe it is increasing... or not. But I know it's been happening for many many years. I do believe in getting married first then getting pregnant, but I also know that as a teen you don't always do what you were taught, no matter how religous your family is.

My mom got pregnant before she was married, I believe her mom did too. I got pregnant in high school, at the age of 17 and married at 17. My daughter got pregnant at the age of 18 then married at 18 and I honestly can't say I was thrilled, I was scared for her. Especially because of who she was pregnant by. But her daughter is one of the biggest blessings of our lives! As are her other three children and all five of my children. HUGE blessings! We truely have some awesome children, and I do praise God for them all!

My mom is married to the same man even today. I am divorced and my daughter is divorced. I think the younger generation, compared to my mom's generation, reconize abuse and get out instead of taking it and just excepting it. I did re-marry and after nine years and into this second marriage I had my tubes untied and had a baby boy. When he turned 3 I left his dad because of abuse.

I think that as a teen we know better, I did and my mom did and my daughter did..know better. But we chose to have sex, we got pregnant, we all kept our babies and made the best of a situation that wasn't so great. Not that the babies weren't great, they are, but the men made our lives hell on this earth, they ruined what could have been a great thing. Everyone of these men were abusive. And not just to us but to our babies!

My life did not turn out like I thought it would, but today, I am happier than I ever have been. It's nothing like I fantasized about, but it's ok. And there is great things ahead I believe.

My biggest heartache is for my son today, his dad lives a few miles down the road and rarely see's his son, my son desires a relationship with his daddy, but daddy is just not there. And his father does not pay his child support like he's suppose to which really sucks for us, but we're doing good in spite of his (my ex's) lack of support, because I work my butt off to provide him every thing he needs and even most of his desires.

As for teen pregnancy....well if you're going to fornicate, like I did then use protection if you aren't wanting a child. It's that simple. AND I REPEAT, IT'S THAT SIMPLE! It's a lot more easier to get these days. But for the record I still believe in abstinence, although I didn't do that as a teen, I do that now, even though I'm not able to get pregnant now, I do practice abstinence...there are other reasons why, like God, and like STD's.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Turing 50!

21.
Today I turn 50...I guess it's finally sinking in because I usually want to scream 50..YIKES!!! But now I am processing it, I'm not sure why that number seems so life changing to me, but it does.

When I think back through my life and all that's happened to me or the things I've done, good and bad, I realize, I have a new day, a new year, a new start, and I'm excited, really excited.

It's taken me some time to get over the past few years, my very nasty divorce, losing my home to foreclosure a direct result of my divorce, going through an emergency hysterectomy and almost dying, watching my daughter go through an even nastier divorce and losing her children and every thing she owned, because she is not Mormon and her husband was and she couldn't afford a lawyer, but her husband's lawyer and the judge were all Mormons and she and her children were basically thrown under the bus. But today I am emotionally strong, mentally strong, and I'm getting better, wiser, and I'm making the right choices for me, for my life, my health, for every aspect of my being!

And I must say, God is faithful...He gave my daughter her children back, and has restored so much back to me and to my daughter, just because He loves us...He loves us all...and that's what tomorrow is all about. Tomorrow is Easter, three days after Jesus was crucified he rose from the dead, He is resurrected...He is alive and Satan is defeated. That is Easter and to me that is exciting!

Friday, April 2, 2010

True Medicine...Laughter

20.
I use to be so afraid to be or to allow myself to feel happy because I just knew the second I smiled or laughed that something was going to happen to ruin that moment of happiness. But not any more, I know that just because I feel happy or if I laugh, there is no jinx, that that stolen moment of joy isn't going to just immediately stop because I go with the feeling and enjoy it.

Through out my day no matter how hard the day can be, my daughter and I usually have laughter and it gets us through some rough moments. Laughter is truly medicine to our bodies, to our minds. It feels so good to be happy and to be able to laugh.

It's so awesome to be able to change your own mood at any point you want to in your day. If there's something that really sucks and brings you down, you don't have to stay down. You can simply tell yourself to smile...to know that this moment will not ruin your day, what ever the situation, and that you can handle this moment, of sadness or irritation or what ever it is and you can turn your mood around. It takes practice, on an every day, many times a day basis, but it is so so worth it! Try it, you have nothing to lose, but a whole world of joy to gain!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Relationships

19.
Several years ago I lost a very expensive piece of jewelry, one that could not be replaced. My heart was sickened, not just because of the worth monetarily but because it held so many memories and meanings of certain aspects of my life. Then one day, months later I found it. I was over joyed. Now I make sure that I take proper care that I don't lose it again!

Finding a dear friend that you thought you probably lost forever is an awesome gift. That's what happened to me this past week. I haven't heard from this friend in about eight years or so and it was mainly my fault that we lost touch in the first place. But she found me on facebook and now we are reunited. What a blessing! Finding my lost friend left me more over joyed than finding my lost jewelry...it couldn't even compare. Now I will do what ever I can to let her know I will take care of our friendship and that I will take proper care that I don't lose it again! She's more precious than all the gold and diamonds in the world.

There is no such thing as being perfect – Like I have wrote and heard before and know to be true, practice makes progress not perfection. You just have to keep trying! Those who expect perfection are always disappointed. Those who try to be perfect are always failures. If you’re expecting your partner, your children, your parents, your friends, to be perfect, you’re holding them to an impossible standard – one that you yourself have never achieved and can't! Relationships are about trying, trying, trying and learning, laughing, working, playing, doing, being, and loving!

And that's one reason I lost my dear friend...I stopped trying and I stopped being loving. What a costly experience, one that I will not repeat.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Healthy selfish

18.
Healthy selfish...I've heard this term used several times, at first I didn't really understand it but now I know what it means, and I like it. I don't believe in being a selfish person so at first I just couldn't wrap my mind around this expression or even the meaning but after hearing the true meaning I came to not just understand it but I love what it means.

I take it to mean not allowing people to use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty or even push your buttons. You have the right to say no to people...something that was very hard for me to do for many many years...without feeling guilty...and you don't even have to give an excuse...all you have to do when asked something by someone that you don't want to do is polietly tell them no I can't, I'm sorry. So simple and effective.

It's not being selfish at all...you're just really protecting yourself and that's a good thing. People use guilt as a very effective tool to get what they want and once you start reconizing it you'll even realize you've probably used guilt to get what you want. I never want to use guilt again and I won't allow anyone to make me feel guilty ever again.

When guilt is out of the way, you will do things for people not because you feel guilty but because you really want to do for them, and not expecting anything in return and that's a great feeling.

Friday, February 5, 2010

My past is not my today and it is not my future!

17.
I know now...at 49 years old, my past does not define me, my past mistakes do not define who I am today. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've been so ashamed for so long because of my mistakes but I have moved on and I have learned by my mistakes, and I will not make the same mistakes again and I have learned how to forgive myself (one of the hardest things I've ever learned to do, but the most important thing needed to be able to move on) and today I am grounded, I am happy and I am who I want to be. I am improving me...continually. I'm not pretending to be anyone or anything that I'm not. I am real and I am keeping it real...I love Jesus, He is my savior, my God, my Lord, who is always faithful and does not change. I do pray to Him and I do read the bible, but not as much as I'd like to. I sin just like every human does and He forgives me because I repent. I smoke cigarettes, I drink wine every now and then and a little too much once in a great while. I do swear too much and I'm not proud of that, but it happens. I try to keep a good out look on life and I try to laugh and smile as much as I can because it really feels good. I have come to realize it's a choice to be happy or not to be happy, and I choose joy!!!

In 1987 after my first divorce with my high school sweet heart, I allowed my brother and a boy friend to move in with me and my four children. At first it was fun. I was so excited to be free from my marriage because of the abuse. But then they, my brother and boyfriend started bringing drugs in, I refused them at first but gave in eventually. What a huge mistake that was! A three month long regretful party. In that three months several banks were robbed by my brother and boyfriend, I drove in two of them and after those two I made them move out of my house..I hadn't been to bed in seven days and I thought I was going to die. I was done, I hated what was happening to me and I missed being a good mommy. The guilt was unbearable, the shame was too.

That night I prayed a lot and begged God to let me sleep and to let me wake up the next morning to get my kids off to school. I asked for strength not to do drugs or even to have a desire for them any more and I prayed for forgiveness for doing them in the first place. God answered my prayer!

I woke up the next morning a new person, rested and happy. I got my kids off to school and then cleaned my house and did about twenty loads of laundry. No joke, I really did have that much laundry piled up. When you're on drugs like I was, cleaning is so not a priority. But I wanted my life back...the past few months were not who I was and I hated those months. I hate the memories today of those few awful months.

My brother and my boy friend did one more bank robbery and got caught. They ended up doing years in prison and paying restitution. I believe my brother spent seven years in prison and my ex boyfriend spent a lot more time in prison because he kept messing up and getting into more trouble while in prison. I plead guilty for driving but thank God they just wanted me to tell the truth and to testify if it went to trial. I took my plea agreement and it never went to trial, we all took our plea agreements. Of course I took my plea agreement, I had four children, I did not want to go to prison! Although some thought I was awful for saying I'd testify against those two. But I look at it differently than them, I chose to quit before caught, I also plead guilty because I was guilty of driving in a couple of them and the law let me have my freedom,I was acquitted, thank God!!!

A year or so after that I started going out a couple of nights a week with a few girl friends, that lead to even more guilt and shame, I was out while my kids were home, I hate that I left them while I was out with the girls, I felt like a bad mommy again. And I still think I was a bad mother to do that. I ended up meeting a guy that I ended up falling in love with. It was a toxic relationship and I knew it had to end. We were together for about two years when I decided to get out of the state so he'd have no choice but to leave me alone. No matter how hard I tried he would not let me go or allow me to go. When I tried once to break up with him he killed my kitten. It was the sickest thing I've ever seen. Cops were called several time but he just wouldn't leave me alone. He told me he was going to break my neck and had it twisted to one side so hard I couldn't believe the pain. My kids saw him do this and called their dad who called the police and it stopped for a while. He threw one of my sons down our stairs once and started stalking me and even my parent's home to see if he could find me. I had no choice but to sneak out of the state. So I let my ex husband take our three boys and I took my daughter to Idaho with a girlfriend of mine and her two kids. The plan was that when I get a job and settled into a house my ex and his wife were suppose to let me have my boys back. I couldn't get a job for nothing! I tried every place there was but no one was hiring. My ex walked the paper work through the day I left to stop my child support payments as fast as he could and didn't tell me about it. I now had no money and I was expecting a payment any day to hold me over till I could get a pay check coming in. But since the paper work was walked through I didn't receive my check. I lived in Idaho for thirty days and drove back to Az with my daughter. I was shocked that my ex had pulled this and left me and our daughter penniless. I got two jobs when I moved back to AZ and an apartment, then I told my ex that I want my boys back, but while I was gone he got a lawyer involved behind my back and I lost my sons...the most painful thing I've ever lived through in my life! I was devastated! I knew then...never to trust him again...ever!

Then about four months later my brother introduced me to Bob, through a letter since my brother was still in prison. Bob's a guy he became friends with in prison for the same crime, bank robbery because of drugs. He said I can trust him, he's a Christian. And so I met him and our first date was to his church, which I loved, and six weeks later I married him. We moved to Ohio with my daughter, Karen, nine months later. My ex and his wife after keeping my boys from me decided to let them come to Ohio and live with me, about eight months after moving to Ohio. It was a miracle!! One of the most awesome times of my life! Praise God! My four kids and I were back together living in the same home!

For the next nine or so years we were in church two to three times a week, I tried being the best Christian, the best mom, the best wife I could possibly be. I wanted to make up for my mistakes. I wasn't ever going to screw up again, I wasn't ever going to lose my kids again. I quit smoking I didn't cuss, I didn't drink, I read my bible and prayed for hours every day. I wouldn't even go one mile over the speed limit. I tried every thing in my power to be as clean and perfect as possible. And there were some great times, although inside I knew things weren't perfect in my marriage, at least not to me, most of the time after getting to really know Bob, I hated him, he made me sick and angry. He seemed so jealous of me having kids. But I still wasn't going to jeopardize losing my kids again. So I guess I ignored the verbal and spiritual and emotional abuse. I ignored the control my husband had over me and I tried very hard to ignore his sarcasm, which made me think, some Christian! and I didn't fight it, his control, his words, his actions, because I didn't want my kids to think there was anything wrong in our marriage. I just wanted my kids to be happy and secure. And he really was a good step dad even though he did what he did to me.

We moved to Florida for a year, after being in Ohio for three years then we moved back to AZ. I was so glad we did, I missed my parents and my siblings very much. My husband and a co-worker started their own business and it took off from the start. We were making more money than ever before and it was great, we bought new cars, had a house built for us, went on vacations, bought the kids cars as they turned of age, bought property and rented them out, we didn't want for anything. Well I did, I wanted a baby so bad I couldn't stand it, so we paid over $10,000 in cash to get a reversal on my tubal ligation and I had a baby.

Then when our son turned 3 I left my husband, I would do anything to keep him safe and since he was being abused I got us out. I had no choice, my job is to protect my children and that's exactly what I was going to do, no matter the cost, which ended up costing me a lot. I went from riches to rags!


Years ago I went to my woman's doctor, while waiting for my doctor to come in I read the poster hanging on the wall. It was about abuse. It was a list of incidents or situations and at the end of the poster it said if any of these are happening to you you are in an abusive relationship. I answered yes to almost every incident but I thought there's no way my marriage is abusive, My second husband loves me and takes care of me and my four kids, I mean we have our problems but he doesn't physically beat me up like my first husband did. Yeah, I thought, he's controlling and sarcastic but not abusive, not really.

Most of the yes' I answered I made excuses for, and he's a Christian, no way, he's not abusive. I got defensive about it and then I started thinking about the years with him, could I be so blind to or use to abuse that I just didn't see it as abuse? And I knew the answer was yes. It made me sick to my stomach and I knew deep inside that he, my second husband, was an abusive and extremely controlling man.

I remembered this poster through out my marriage and when my ex started getting worse towards me it scared me but I just wasn't ready to quit. When he started getting worse with our son, ready or not, I knew it's over and I would do what ever I had to do to save my child from being hurt.

All the memories flooded back, the ones that disturbed me for years. The ones I didn't understand why he did or said certain things to me. But I know now it was a tactic of his to slowly strip me from myself and from being independent and to have no self confidence, to convince me that his way is the only way and that I am to submit to him as my "head" and second to God, no matter what.

I was like the frog that gets put into a pan of cold water on the stove top and the water slowly turns to boiling then the frog is boiled to death, without even noticing it, since it was so gradual. That is how I felt, he was slowly killing me, who I was, what I believed in, he tried to control even my thoughts and actions. And yes there was abuse too. His threats alone were abuse! He even tried to turn my family against me, he tried to convince them that I am not "right" in the head, and that no one could help me but him and that I needed help, I needed him. When I heard this I was shocked beyond belief that he'd go to these measures to keep me from leaving him. Now that is sick and he is sick for all that he's done to Bo and to me and to my grand kids and to my older kids. I could go on and on and on about what he's done to us because even though I didn't see it at the time that I was in it, I can see it all so clearly now and it took me literally a few years to not be down right shocked that some one could do this to some one else. It took me several years to get unbrain washed!

Well today...I am on talking terms with both my ex's(well unless they read my blog and get angry about me telling all of this truth about them)...they come to birthday parties and holidays since we have kids and grand kids together. Not being "involved" with them, and being able to forgive them, I can stand to be around them and actually enjoy conversing with them. But that's as far as it goes. I'm not their "property" any more so there's no fear being around them. I'm lucky that these particular men are not like many I've heard about that even though the relationship is over they still want to control your life. I know one like that and it's awful. He just wont let her go and tries to make her life hell if she even thinks of seeing anyone else, but he can see anyone he wants any time he wants...double standard and down right sick!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Keeping It Real

16.
Keeping It Real
I hear that expression a lot. I can't help but wonder, do I keep it real? How much should I share when talking to people, when blogging, and am I "keeping it real" if I don't share everything? And if I share too much about my life or my past will it cast a shadow of doubt to others about me...will it ruin my reputation today?

Well I guess since I really do believe in "keeping it real" when I blog and or journal if anyone reads my stuff and has a question or comment etc. they can feel free to ask me about what I've wrote and I'll go into more details if need be. I like blogging, it's therapy to me and it may help someone else out too who may be struggling with the same things I've struggled with or struggle with.

I'm not the same person I used to be, age, experiences and everything in my past has helped change me to be who I am today, a more caring, confident, understanding person. I'm a more patient mom than I was when I was raising kids in my 20's, I don't take life for granted any more and when I have something to laugh at I cherish that moment and go with the laughter. I enjoy being alive more than I ever have, my heart burst with true joy over the simple things in life. Because truely, the simple things in life are the real things that matter in life.

Every morning when I wake up I thank God that I have another day to live, to work, to laugh, to cry. As I watch my daughter drive off with her kids to school and I watch my son walk across the street to his school my heart feels a bit sad that they have to go but also with so much love for them that I just smile. And I look forward to them coming home from school.

I love my older children so much too and I miss them more than ever, I have some awesome adult children! I am a very proud mom and grammy!!! Life has never been more enjoyable for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Don't judge anyone

15.
The old saying...Don't judge me til you've walked a mile in my shoes...still stands in my eyes...and I don't judge anyone because I have no idea what they've gone through or are going through in their life. Life is hard and we all have our "stuff" that we have to sort through. So I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

My ex-son-in-law, just told my ten year old son that I'm dumb. Well I'm not dumb and I told my son his mommy just wants the best for him and to protect him. And I will do what ever it takes to protect my child, in fact, I'll drop my life, my desires, my wants and needs, to protect him. I'm not dumb for doing this. I just want the very best for my child/children and grand children.

Just because he is not as protective as me doesn't make me dumb, it's stupid to me to hear about all the abductions and murders on the news and on Nancy Grace, then to ignore it all just to let your kids go unprotected so they don't have to feel like they aren't having fun. You can be very protective and still allow your child to have fun.

An argument erupts just because I won't allow my son, to spend the night with his younger uncle, at my ex-son-in-laws house because I know that there is a molester that comes around and I will not take the chance that he'll come there when my son is there!!! And because my son has a bad habit of sleep walking. He will bolt for the door and run out and not even know what he's doing or where he's at. So I will not allow him to spend the night with anyone yet. I had another son like this, I had to put bells on the door so when he slept walked I would hear the bells and run to get him.

So I say this to my dear ex-son-in-law, do not judge me, especially when it comes to protecting my child! You were molested, you know better! just like I was molested, and I know better, we know what's out there! We lived it, we now know not to allow our kids to become victims!!