Sunday, July 9, 2017

Remembering

I'm sitting here, sweating my butt off in this RV and I'm trying not to be mad, or sad. It's so freaking hot outside so it's hard to keep this tin can that I'm living in cool.

It's been almost a year since I wrote in this blog, which doesn't matter, since no one really reads it. It's just a thing I do to let go, to rant, to complain and even to give praise. Sometimes.
If you build it they will come....that's a little bit of my mentality today...If I write it they will read. Whoever they are. Or not.

I never thought life would ever get this way, not my life. Living in a broken down RV, very little cash left and almost out of cigarettes. I could use a cold beer, but no money for that. I do hope things turn around sooner than later, but looks more like later right now. If ever. I want a "real" house, I'm so over the RV living thing. Although I know that I'd rather be right here where I'm at, and in this RV, than where I was before I bought it. I do have my freedom here. I can come and go as I please without answering to anyone. When I remember this fact, I'm a little more content, a little more patient and a lot more thankful. Whew...glad I got that off my chest.




Sunday, August 21, 2016

God Knows, So I'm OK

sitting here alone
God sees my tears and hears my cry
i tell myself continually that others have it worse
and many do
stop crying and complaining i say to myself, it's not that bad
hungry and lonely are not the same, not even close to what others are going through
the tears still flow, but i'll smile because i am ok
i'm not in the hospital, i don't have a disease, i can walk, see, talk and feel
my kids and grand kids are well
i do not need to be sad
God knows what i need, so i am ok

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Monsoon Pictures From My Yard

The dark sky's and the gorgeous colors in the sky as the sun sets...Monsoon 2016

Friday, August 5, 2016

A New Life Style For Me!

My last post says that I bought a mobile home, that feels like forever ago! A lot has happened to me since then. I moved out of that mobile home and into a new home that my older son and I rented in San Tan Valley, but he went back to his old habits of drugs and stopped working and we got evicted. I bought an RV and have been living in it for about five months. My son is now almost 17 and decided to drop out of school, but I have hope that he will get his GED soon. Life is hard a lot of the time, but it's also good some of the time. Today is a good day, it's monsoon season and I am loving the thunder and rain, not the lightening though, that scares me.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

It's been a long time...

It's been a very long time since I wrote in this blog, but I've decided to come back and start writing in it again. I'm taking a couple of writing classes online through MCC, and one of the projects is to do a blog, so when I started that blog for school, this one also appeared so that's why I decide to write in this one also. I reread some of my old posts and I loved them, I could remember how I felt at the time while writing these posts. Writing has always made me feel better.

From my last post Dec 2011 until now, I could have swore that I had post from 2012, I don't see them on here though, maybe I deleted them, but I seriously do not see me doing that.

Dec. 15, 2012, my mom went to heaven. That was one of the hardest things in my life, losing my mom. The devastation can't even be put into words even now. To know and to see her suffering, it was unbearable, and at times when I see in my mind what she went through before passing still feels like a knife cutting into my heart. I know she is safe and suffers no more, I'm glad for this, but I long to hear her laughter again. I've seen her in my dreams and she's so beautiful and young again, no more false teeth, her smile is beautiful, her little lisp is back, those dentures ruined her voice and smile, but she's perfect now. I will see her again one day. My dad is lonely without his baby doll, it's so horribly sad to see him so lonely. Time has healed his depression, God has healed his mourning. And getting to know my dad has been delightful. We talk almost every night, like I use to with my mom. We laugh, we cry, we are getting to really know each other like never before. I love how he pronounces words like he did when I was a child. I wasn't ever real close to him until I made myself call him to check on him when my mother passed. And I was amazed that for the first time of my life, I really enjoy his company, even over the phone. I love when he says words like shore instead of sure, I forgot how he talked. And I love the stories he tell of his life as a child.

My son, who is now almost 15 is back being home schooled, which I hate, but I hate even more of his fear and panic of school and being made fun of because of his tourettes, (TS). The tics, facial and verbal are hard for me to watch, it breaks my heart, and it wears him out. They've gotten worse since he's going through puberty. He's playing my moms keyboard, it really seems to help him, and he is such a natural at it, he hears the music. I know my mom would be so proud of him.

Life is pretty much going well right now for my son and I, things have settled down finally, we moved into a mobile home park and I bought a mobile home. I do miss a real house though, so I don't think I'll be staying too much longer here, I've been here for almost a year and a half. But not in a rush, just taking my time and praying about it.

This link below is Bo, my son playing my parents song, I Just Called To Say I Love You

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10204794763537340&l=2117549628901786450

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Memories of Falling Leaves and Iced Over Sidewalks

Our street here in Gilbert, AZ is lined with trees that loose their leaves this time of year. When I walk out front I can smell the leaves and it takes me back in time to when I was a young child living in Ohio. I love that smell. I remember my dad raking them up into a huge pile and then my siblings and I and our neighborhood friends jumping into them. It was a lot of fun.

As long as I can remember living in AZ since I was twelve years old, I don't recall ever smelling the leaves like today. I think that's why I love this street, this town, this neighborhood. It kind of reminds me of the little town in Ohio that I grew up in, Fairborn.

I remember the sidewalks in the winter being iced over, we would skate across the ice in our normal shoes, we didn't have skates and we didn't need them. It was so much fun that you didn't even feel the cold. I love those childhood memories.

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Rough Road

I thank God that we are going through this rough time in our lives, He knows what we're going through and I trust Him completely to see us through. It can only make us stronger I believe. And in the mean time, as we walk through this rough road, holding God's hand, we are more content than we ever thought possible. And when this hard time is better or over, we will be able to look back and really see what we've learned.

It's been a little over a year now since moving here. I kept waiting for things to get better, and with every step that got better it seemed that we slipped back a few more steps in the wrong direction. Just like that saying, or that song, One step forward and two steps back...only our two steps back seemed like ten steps back!

I can honestly say through it all I really am able to rely more on God, I'm not as scared about certain things that I use to be afraid of. We've been hungry, gone without electricity, gone without water and gas. We have never been hurt though, physically or in any other way.

We have seen the love of family and friends. Some of these things we've gone without were just for a short time, then God would bless us by giving us more work which is money, and we'd be able to have our electricity, water, phone, internet, and gas turned back on. We also may have been hungry, but I know it's because we didn't like what was available to eat, but there was always food for us.
Just not always what we wanted, and that's really a good thing, it teaches us not to be so picky or spoiled.

I thank and praise God for all the hard times and the good times!

Christmas

I love the cold weather we're having...makes it feel more like Christmas. It's been rainy and cold!

We can't afford a Christmas tree this year, and at first I was sad about it because of my son, who is now twelve as of a week ago. But he, Bo, my son, said that it's OK I'm going to make a tree for us.

Sure enough he did and he did an amazing job...the prettiest tree I've ever seen! He took about six feet of paper that we have on a huge roll, drew a Christmas tree, colored it, then put glitter glue on it for lights, which worked great, then he glued on miniature ornaments that I've saved through the years. We hung it on the wall, it's about five and a half feet tall and it's beautiful!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I Thought I Feared Death

When I thought it was death that I was afraid of, I wouldn't talk about it and I didn't want to hear about it and I didn't want to think about it.

I was talking to my mom one day on the phone, and she brought up funeral plans for her and my dad for the future. I told her I really don't want to talk about it, not right now anyway, I told her to talk to my older sister about it. She said she needs to tell all four of us kids so each of us know their plans. As I listened I started crying, I couldn't bare the thought of losing my mom or my dad.

"You're a Christian, you have nothing to be afraid of." I have heard this so many times in my life...and I know it's true. Then I'd feel bad that even though I am a Christian and I know when I do die that I'm going to heaven, that I still had this fear inside.

So I started a long, hard conversation with myself about it, I prayed about it, I talked to other's about this and then it hit me. I am not afraid of death or dying, not for myself any way. I fear the loss of my loved ones...of missing them so much and never being able to see them, touch them, hug them, talk to them, or hear their voice again. That's my fear, that's the pain inside that makes me worry and even makes me cry as I sit here writing this. And when I die, I don't want my loved ones to be sad or hurt or to miss me so much that it makes them suffer.

But that is a part of life on this earth, we die, our loved ones die, and even though if they are saved and in heaven, we still miss them.

The fear is gone, but I still don't ever want to miss anyone like that or anyone else to hurt like that in their life over my death one day.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I Want My Life Back!!!

Although I am not agoraphobic any more, I can leave my home, I still have trouble forcing myself to drive to the store and to go into the store.
I know it's because I don't practice it like I should. Practice always makes progress and since I don't have a car at this time in my life it's hard for me to practice like I should or want.
I could drive my daughter's car, and I have, I just don't trust her car and I fear I will get stuck some where because the car isn't that reliable.
Am I just making up excuses, I ask myself. I mean I know the car isn't that reliable and has broke down, but that doesn't mean it will again. So maybe to a point I'm just chickening out and giving myself an excuse not to get in the car, drive to the store and go into the store to buy what we need at home.
To be totally honest, that is it, I'm still not really facing my anxiety and I'm not helping myself like I should be.
I want my life back, I want to get in the car like it's next to natural again to me and go shopping, I want to go to the mall again or to Target again, with out the needing to practice, with out all this stupid fear. I know there isn't anything to be afraid of so I don't know why I allow this or how to stop allowing this to take over me and my life!
I will just have to keep on practicing till I get use to it and not allow it to shake me up like it does.